Collission zone..

Life is so complex that past and present collide making the future blurry, filled with uncertainty. He was bullied as a kid, even as a grown up, for reasons unknown, maybe he is too gentle for his own good. He does not retaliate, he would have been happy hiding behind me, willing for me to fight his battles. He would have been happy with that, content not following a dream, his dreams would be anchored on mine. I left and it shattered everything, it took him a while to recover, to find his bearings, and realized that he has a life to live. I wondered was he too sheltered, we all were, but behind those closeted existence are darkness of infidelity causing pain a deep wrenching of the heart building distrust and agony. I questioned the reason for that, how can rules be laid down and be disregarded, irreverently neglected to follow a darker life. There is always a cause and effect, I used to say, "read, you will find your answers only through discovery." Now, I say, "have you talked to Lordy about it?"

On the one hand, he didn't get as much discipline as the others, he was the baby, the last born. Life was a little better, as a child he would give in tantrums, to fit of anger. I sensed a tendency to hardhandedness. Unlike his gentle brother, he is more head on, less patient. His uncaring ways led to misguided existence -- married or were they? because of a child, a relationship borne out of necessity, presumably to correct a wrong. Such an overlap didn't change anything but rather put them in a quicksand of misery. Frustrated attempts to change put them in deeper pain, something that I don't have a solution for, but to tell Lordy about it. I reckon maybe you need to pray more, it was never meant to be your battle alone. Lordy is with you just listen to what He is saying.

Whoa, life is indeed so complex. Sometimes I'm not sure why they tell me all this, validation? approval? or they want me to tell Lordy for them, like am the right agent or not :). She left her husbad and children to go to a foreign land for a better future for her children. So that they won't have the kind of life that she had. With nothing but her bravura, she embarked and halfway succeeded. But she fell in love with someone that she shouldn't and had to marry another, keeping her lover on the side. She thinks she is handling it all pretty cool, what is happiness anyway, she countered. I dared say to her that at this point it is exciting but once the novelty is gone, she should be ready to deal with the guilt, the repercussions of emotional entanglement, the questioning look of her innocent children.

Faith interrupted..

I have been so busy with work these past weeks or has it been months, project after project, I am never really able to dwell on things, questions unanswered burning in my head.  What I managed to do was separate my questions from affecting my faith that would have caused it to erode into an unbelievable pit of darkness.

Being a recipient of unexpected meanness, unexpected in the sense that the person dispensing it should be dispensing something more soulful than that.  Words uttered that is embarassing to be repeated even to vent about. I accepted and with head vowed tried to recall that humility is a value that we learned and try to practice as a good human being, as children of God.  But I will be pretentious if I say that I wasn't affected, that I wasn't hurt, so I stayed away glad that I am so preoccupied to be eaten by anger causing me to hate.

It is a gift of grace that I have embraced. A friend was not so lucky, for she was a witness to a failed test. A test of ruined relationships, battered emotions, her faith in God is intact but it will take her a long time to go back and find a church, a community where she can be in fellowship with, a fellowship with open heart. She understood that it is a fact of being human, falling and failing, that it is not for her to judge, it is between the person and God. The difficulty arises when we put someone in a pedestal and decide that being elevated to that level will make them saints and will do no wrong. It is a flawed thought, for why else do we go to such lenghts of proving that a person is saint after death. When they can err no more.

Who..

At a recent RCIA session, the ethicist lecturer narrated this story and instructed us to rank the characters according to the degree of gravest error, here goes:

Paul, a production manager at a manufacturing plant, called his production supervisor, Juan to his office. He told Juan that needs to set up a factory in a town across the river from the present location. They need the factory to drum up business and Juan is the only person who can do the job.  Juan is hesitant because he is planning to marry his fiance, March as soon as he is able to gather enough funds and he wouldn't want to leave her behind. Paul gave him an ultimatum that if he not set up the factory he will be fired. That being the case, Juan relented and agreed to set up the factory, he was so sad and promised to call Martha every night.  During one of his phone calls to Martha, she sensed the anguish in his heart because of utter  loneliness and she made a decision to visit him.  She however didn't have enough money, a total of $300.oo to take the bus, ferry, and bus to his location. She approached Paul flat out said no despite her pleadings.. On her way home, she mentioned her problem to the ferry owner/driver Aldo, who refused initally. Afer she asked him the second time, he agreed on one condition that she will be his sex slave for a day.  In her moment of desperation, she agreed. So she was able to see her fiancee Juan.

Juan so eagerly met her at the bus station, after showing her around town and his living quarters, they settled down. He prepared a dinner of fish stew and white wine.  As the conversation progressed, Juan asked Martha where she got the money for transportation, she was hesitant at first but with much prodding she told him everything. At that moment Juan had a mental blackout, the woman that she respected, the virtue that they were preserving until marriage was violated. He pounced her on the face and hit her so hard that she collapsed on the floor. 

He didn't even bother to see how she was, he immediately dashed out of the room and went to the local salon.  Not being a drinker, he was drank after 2  orders of cheap brandy. While drinking he was talking to a woman of the night, Magda - telling her of his tales of woe and on his last sip of his drink, he decided to buy what she is offering. He woke up in her bedroom and realized that everything has crumbled that the life that they have planned for is gone.

There is no right or wrong answer. [polldaddy poll=1575120]

There is danger:

When I hate, for they might hate us back.

When you dislike my color, for having only one solid color can be boring and blinding.

When I reject, for I myself might be ejected.

When I complain, for God might take it all back thinking that I never liked what He gave me.

When I allow you to affect my psyche, go into my head, for I might turn into you.

When I don't accept, for I may not be accepted elsewhere too.

When you reject without trying, for you will miss out on new discoveries.

When you lose sight of what is important, for you will grow weary and disatisfied insisting on your own way as the right way.

When you don't smile, for you will get more wrinkles than Clinique's Turnaround Cream can fix.

The business of sucking up to..

This image has no relation to the text, but it is too colorful that it lends
light to the post.  (I never said I'm smart ha ha)

There is  a TV drama that I so enjoy, it is "Eli Stone", the lead character, Eli was just a regular - driven attorney who will stop at nothing to win his case.  Note the "regular" term used, until he was diagnosed with aneurysm, then everything changed. He would have visions of the future, which changed his outlook in life.  Made him a total suck up to Lordy, a good - guy will all intentions of helping.

Well, we had our share of being a Lordy - kiss the you know what "no disrespect intended".  We got carried away with the desire to please God that we were so intent in helping that we almost cross the line.  Sounds weird huh!. 

At what point should we help and not take over?
Does that involve giving up part of our lives too?
What is the motivation?
Does it make us compassionate or self-absorbed?

I'm telling you even in the most compassioned moment darkness can befall unto us.  This reminds me of an instance when I was disatisfied with the way things were going on at work that I hastily left, good thing it was time for mass, which gave me an opportunity for reconciliation.  I asked the priest, why despite my close relationship with Lordy, I am feeling that way.  He said in no uncertain terms that the reason is I have detached myself from God, from living like Him. He reminded me of the Franciscan teaching that the boxed images of our childhood, the expections of others, separates us from living like Him.  But that doesn't mean that we have to be a pushover, we can still stand up for our rights and what we believe in just for the right reasons. Ovcourse cryola akitch!

Then I have friends who feel that they should remunerate others for their goodness, those who may have been negatively affected because they're smart and therefore moved ahead.  Now, if I look at the premise upstairs this can be a case of sucking up too huh.. sipsip to Lordy as the Pinoys will call it.. ha ha kidding..

And Katie Couric said that, "inner peace is overrated." Hah!

The responsibilities of my existence..

 This has been circulating for a while, makes sense

When I was little, I use to believe in the concept of one best friend, and then I started to become a woman. And then I found out that if you allow your heart to open up, God will show you the best in many friends. One friend's best is needed when you're going through things with your man. Another friend's best is needed when you're going through things with your momma.

Another when you want to shop, share, heal, hurt, joke, or just be. One friend will say let's pray together, another let's cry together, another let's fight together, another let's walk away together...

One friend will meet your spiritual need, another your shoe fetish, another your love for movies, another will be with you in your season of confusion, another will be your clarifier, another the wind beneath your wings...

But whatever their assignment in your life, on whatever the occasion, on whatever the day, or where ever you need them to meet you with their gym shoes on and hair pulled back or to hold you back from making a complete fool of yourself... those are your best friends.

It may all be wrapped up in one woman, but for many it's wrapped up in several... one from 7th grade, one from high school, several from the college years, a couple from old jobs, several from church, on some days your mother, on others your sisters, and on some days it's the one that you needed just for that day or week that you needed someone with a fresh perspective, or the one who didn't know all your baggage, or the one who would just listen without judging.. those are good girlfriends/best friends.

Men are wonderful, husbands are excellent, boyfriends are awesome, male friends are priceless... but if you've ever had a real good girlfriend, then you know there's nothing like her! I thank God for girlfriends, those who honor intimacy, those who hold trust, and those who just got you back when you feel like life is just too heavy!

My faith theory..

Sorry about the first post, somewhere between publish and save I lost my entry.  No I didn't intend you to meditate on it and find the answer ha ha.. I was just thinking, sometimes we mystify our faith, such that we lose the reali meaning or appreciation of it in our lives. We have this tendency of dwelling of what we should and shouldn't do, how we manifest or exercise this practice, and wonder why we can't seem to fill that longing.

I think that with so much of that separation or compartmentalization, we fail to integrate it in our daily lives and therefore lose it in the process.  Am I making any sense? I feel that if we pray, as praying should be done (is there a different way:) it will encourage goodness in us, therefore will allow us to accept God's grace and therefore bask in His Glory. Surely we can't be prayerful and still be critical of others, or pray and attend mass and lose that compassion to someone, who is not as complete as we are.

You may have read about a post about a friend's claim that God may have made an engineering mistake with how men and women are constructed and I responded that it is the society's fault and not God's, how we define things. Our inabilities now are a result of what we eat, the environmental damage, and all those things that we traded in favor of profit or consumerism. I remember recounting to someone how I grew up with all natural products, we reuse, but we deal with the insects with DDT and we were taking sulfa meds and paregoric, numotizine, etc. all taken off the market because it is not safe for human consumption.

God provided we just messed it up.  What do you thunk?

Taxi drivers are men too!!

In previous posts I spoke of conversations with cabbies, some more interesting than others.  This time I am noticing something, it is rare that there are caucasian drivers especially in the morning.  He had to stress the fact that he is and he has a brown passenger when he was out of his cab on the pretext of inspecting it.  Then he accosted my consciousness with high falluting words that does not even make sense.  Hah, doesn't he know that it is a downer especially if someone is planning her day.  Oh well, he maligned the other drivers saying that they are not up to par that they don't bring integrity to the profession.  At the back of my mind, I said "honey, I don't really care for all that BS, I need a ride, when I need it he he..

The other morning, the driver was an African guy who decided that he didn't like the fact that the Catholic Diocese is building a multi-million Cathedral, despite the homelessness and other economic issues that need to be addressed.  So, I said but there are hungers that need to be fed too, like the hunger of the soul. I asked him if he is a Christian, he replied that it depends on what a Christian is. I didn't know that there are different kinds of Christians he he.. I asked if he believes in God, Oh that I do, he proceeded. To silence him I said, it is the practice that makes the difference, how some likes to be God, when they should act like God in their love and kindness.

That did the trick.. I don't really undestand these offerings, the pretense of intellect, that what they are saying matters, frankly I couldn't care less. It is what they are conveying that does, what is hidden in those words and the inflections that come with it.

So the other day I got the same cauc guy, he went the opposite way that I am used to, he said there are other factors that the lake is not an exact circle, therefore it has a differing circumference, that the traffic, etc.  I was quiet ( that is grace, mind you) I let him bury himself.  Then he said would you like me to drop you off the other side of the building, you will have to walk a few, no, I don't want to walk.  So of course it took me longer, later than I already am.  Oh well.. I rest my case..

 What a return salvo huh! that I will talk about cab drivers, etc. Well, this has been a busy month for me, I didn't have the time to figure things out before I started the year, so it is as unorganize as it can be. I know it is an oxymoron, organization and I, it was just an idea he he..

I will be posting more..

Emotions: a compendium or a pandemonium

Jubilant: Last week the neighborhood was in a jubilant mood, you would think that the second coming is upon us.  The reason, Trader Joe's just opened, that means they don't have to limit themselves to Safeway and Lucky's on the other side of the lake.  I was one of those who checked it out, bought some persimmons, saw quite a number of people from church. That tells us that we are indeed in a consumerist world.

Wonder: I was in a bit of a funk last week, belatedly, (I did say the party is over, some posts ago) wondering if I am doing what God wants me to do.

Contentment: Contentment is being in that place where there is no wanting, that feeling that everything the is needed we have. A difficult state to be achieved, noting that consumerist state. The first dictum in economics that I learned in college is that Man by nature is insatiable.

Happy: About life in general, my family, friends, my place is even clean:) T talking about her aunt said she is always happy, she has a happy marriage.  In my play of words, I countered, she has a happy marriage, becuase she has a happy disposition.  A relationship cannot be the result of a state of being, it is the other way around. Yes?

Sadness: The parish community was saddened yesterday with the news that the mother of our Pastor passed away, during the 9:00 am mass. She who brought him to life, taught him the grace and virtues to want to be a priest. I didn't know that I have an emotional connection with her that I cried almost to a howl. I pray for the repose of her soul, happy in a way that she will be with Him and enjoy eternal life.

Party is over!!

Birthday

Originally uploaded by penoybalut


Yeah, party is over. Flowers are dry, presents in the closet, cards in the box.. Now, I am officially "old".

 Funny, I don't even mind, I am all for graceful aging.  In last night's Bible Study, we learned about the story the woman with 7 sons who were killed by King Alphousyns (?) who was later on killed herself, and another womon who was widowed and had to marry her brothers-in-law to continue the lineage.  Bottom line is all these earthly tragedies will not matter when we take our place with God hopefully in heaven. 

It is comforting, isn't it that there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. To some there doesn't seem to be an end.  I read a story in the blogspher about a woman who lost her business, 1 son died and another has cancer, she has cancer herself. Her life is beset with challenges, but she is not giving up, there is some force within her to fight and seek that pot of gold, to hold God's hand and feel his embrace. 

So life goes on, on for the next rung (is that the right expression?)

The week that was!

It's been a while, huh! The week was kinda hectic.  I made a presentation to the RCIA class about the saints. It isn't that it is the first time I am doing a presentation, it was because of the subject matter and my audience.  I felt that I need to exercise caution as whatever I say may affect the decision of the enquirers. Glad that it is over, I was mulling over it for two weeks as it got closer, the feeling got more intense. To the point that it felt like I was going to have a thesis dissertation or a panel interview.

My refrigerator died, if it has a mind of its own, I will think that it is silently complaining, kill me now, I need to freshen up.  Well it's getting a total clean up,  now that it is empty.

One reader commented about a post it's funny that her name is the English version of the Spanish derivative of mine. She said don't stop complimenting someone. Wow, it's the first time somebody said something like that to me.

It is refreshing to see parents with God's grace raise their children with freedom to discover themselves, allowing their imagination to flow, with the discipline of love, the strong urge of conforming to societal norms denied. I was raised differently, that of being boxed in a quiet complexity, almost the pretense of the serenity of a Norman Rockwell painting. I think I was spared the goriness so that I will have the calmness of today. But I'd rather have a tumultuous existence, something felt, something experienced than a pale, boring one.

Wednesday Bible Study is doing great, we are on our fourth cycle, that means we are repeating Luke.  Imagine that! There was just the 2 of us wondering if we can have something like that in our Church. We formed one and have been fortunate to "Break Open the Word" with quite a number of people.  Then there is the core group, the regulars, friendships were formed, almost deeper than the ones that we had in grade school. Bonded by Lordy, how else can it not be great! Anyway, part of this core group is a character, he is quiet, unassuming, he would say things like, Catholicism is like a ball with chain or a disease that you can't get rid off that easily.  When cornered though and we don't have anything witty to say to him and we would just ask him pointedly, why or does he believe.  He would say it is between him and God.  We know he believes, he is always on the third row facing the altar, not just that, we know that he lives the way.  The group is not for everyone though, not for the ones who can't stand that we had to eat and update before we begin reading. I'm happy that those who stayed were the ones who did. Amen.

But my friend...

True that in the end one can be saved from the fires of hell if there is repentance and the recognition of God as the Savior.  But what is it for, when the joy of experiencing that forgiveness can't be savoured and basked in this lifetime. It is in His glory that one thrives and find the meaning of life.

Inner peace and self contentment is easily achievable through that acceptance.  Hey, no shrinkage required, no prozak, just God :) The tradition and teaching is not that material, finding Him matters.  I can easily say that my tradition is better, but because I don't know other, and that is not finding fault in others.

I am praying that you find Him, may I suggest that you don't look too far, just feel it.  After all, when everything has been said and done, when you have exhausted all the academic avenues, your decision will not depend on that intelligent choice but your heart guided by the Holy Spirit. We are already chosen, it is just a matter of standing up and recognizing it.

You are loved, no matter what.

This blog thing..

This blog thing is great, I am discovering a lot of things, it is a subculture that is so present day.  Unless it is to push a product, what is blogged is not necessarily talked about live. However, reading them allows that sense of familiarity, that I nearly congratulated a friend's mom for her children's wonderful writing. Or to Mark who does b... a lot but recognize grace and humility in others.  When I talk to my friend about men who carry their rosaries  in their pockets, I am reminded of him.

There is this site whose images is just a torture to diabetics :). Somehow there is the connection, when I am sensing unhappiness I want to touch them, a squeeze of the hand, comforting gestures.  After all it is in this medium where we can write our feelings away.

He said, she said..

My curiosity got the better of me, when I said, okay let's do lunch.  Not that I don't want to, but because I will hear downloads that I am not sure I want to hear.  I heard from him about her before I even knew her and I can tell you that is the most uncomfortable place to be in.  Meeting the person after all that. 

It seems to me that we can be too opinionated at times that talking about someone, almost maligning their person, is becoming commonplace.

Although another he said, it is not a part of this exchange, and I didn't press nor asked about it, when I heard who the players were.  None of my concern...

Baby steps..

She is serious about her faith, she loves God more than anything. To be a full fledged believer though means living it.  She does not believe in "Cafe Catholicism" where she can pick and choose the applicable doctrines. She feels she has to immerse herself.

I told her it is a gradual process, that we will be there, hold her hand. Watch over her, lest she falls, as she is, with her arms half streched ready to catch us and pull us up.

I can hear the angels singing, Amen, amen..

If you, then..

There are too many ifs in this world that has to be satisfied, the need for coverage makes me wonder if we have a full grasp of this thing called life.  I say this because if we will just be dodging what's being sent our way then life will not be exciting, not fun at all.  It will be stressful, I would think, the element of trust will be lost.

I heard this said once, "if you get it, then I will be committed",  a commitment is more than what you're giving, it is an embodiment of your decision to be a part of a relationship, you discern and accept.  Such words when uttered and recalled to me, made me think what was it all about then, a game, was it a mockery of the exercise. I do hope something is gained from it.

Ouch!

I lost a project

On Tuesday, a conference call that would have been an update of what I have done, ended with "I don't think it will work", "I need someone who is next door to me".  He did indicated what his expectations were, which is a committed half time, half time is left to play with colors, words, and other stuff.

I wondered if was going to work, just to set up, access the databases, and other stuff, took even my personal time.  He thought I was a whiz with numbers, little did he know that I thrive more on colors and words.  Sure I know my ptri even my abc, but it is so easy to get lost in this activity.  I can't be captivated by it, so in between gross margins and labor revenue I find myself thinking of other things.

That is the consulting world dear readers, but wait I am digressing here.  My point is, while I am realizing that it is going to be a difficult endeavor, having to travel to SAC on a regular basis, I was hurt that it was taken away from me.  After a few moments of self recrimination,  I dusted myself off, I know that it is Lordy all along, for how can I think of other things, my RCIA article for example, and such other things that constitute life.

Pride is all there is, guilty as charged.

Feeling a little better...

I have a body clock that wakes me up at midnight to remind me of things undone.. well it works if i am on schedule, days like these, not so sure..

I feel a little better, but yesterday or even the day before was horrible, I had the chills, so  congested that I can only curl on my bed, crank up the heat, and recite my Hail Mary's (for old Catholics that's just what we can do).

I can tell that the season has changed, this is how my system welcomes it, it didn't even allow me to catchup with my reading or writing, I was just down. I think I can do with another day off, people will veer away from me anyway, not wanting to catch what I got, and not in a discreet way mind you.

The other day a friend of mine called, she has been trying to reach me to no avail (she is on east coast time).  After a good amount of download she reached this conclusion that I am lonely.  I was surprised, I responded, no this can't be a lonely time in life, this is one of the best times,  after all, it is my birthday next week.  Until it dawned on me, that she is feeling lonely and taken for granted, and she wanted to feel needed, to hold my hand.  This when I have already hung up, too late, I wish I have been more sensitive, my only excuse is that I am in a hurry to get to work, and I can't find my ATM card.

Lordy, gives us that doze, a lot of times, an opportunity to be selfless, if only we recognize it, then the cycle will be complete.

You know..

I had a chance to talk to him one-on-one, I got to know him a little better, marriage is in the plan, (not for me haha) he wanted it sooner.  I m glad, happy for them, the conversation segued into other things, having friends, cooking etc.  It provided an opening for me to just say, "You know she is very dear to us, you better take care of her, or we will be on your case" He countered, you don't have to worry on that regard, I know who she came with, I promise I will.  Not that I needed an assurance, I saw the connection even before they did.  I am like that, I can see, what others can't, and no it is not the "I can see dead people variety" :)

Speaking of which, on Sunday, overenthused me, I just kept thrusting this friend of mine to meet other members of the church,  I know, she will be instrumental in the formation of a Young Adult Group in OLL, and a lot of things after that. Just people of the same faith connecting, celebrating Lordy.

Finally, I would like to share the story of this couple, it will be shown in the Mill Valley film festival.

Is it just religousity?

He is, How does he, Maybe

I was taken aback, almost appalled at the questions that I heard, almost speculative, something that is not borne out of affection, of friendship, it is more gossipy. 

Totally disappointing, for me, it is one thing to be ignorant, that can be corrected, but to be fully aware and be judgmental about it is something else. 

In my mind, I am whow.. stop that, that is not a behavior that I am expecting from someone who professes to love God with so much reverence. You might say, I am judging, I am not. I am theorizing that sometimes in our earnestness to love God, we become self-righteous and forget that He wanted us to be compassionate, not to measure, to see beyond that external appearance.

Your lens is blurry, it needs cleaning. Praying is different from doing.  Oh, please don't think of me as a holier than thou creature. I am not, but I am happy that I am conscious, aware, that I am loved by God and so are you, all of us, so why allow the face of the devil to shroud this beautiful scenario.

I am not saying this right, huh, just religousity does not really make it, live it!

Be kind period.