Baking plastic wares..

Yeah, there is an art to it.  Put your rarely used plastic trays in the oven, then fire it up. I thought I had a stove upgrade. I found out though that I don't panic easily.  I tossed water into it and transferred the food to a smaller container and cooked in the toaster oven.  There is a point to this story.  Friday was the last Friday of the month and I had a get together, didn't have much to prepare as I was in SAC the day before.  I forgot to hang up the phone and there was someone who wasn't able connect.  All in all it was a good event, it was a different dynamics.. a great way for people to connect. 

Did you know that emotional maturity comes from all these? Interaction with others, listening to their stories, forgetting for one moment about our own egos and paying attention to them. It's a growing process, hey I am not reducing all these friendships as a tool for self development, emotional maturity results from good relationships.

Is it just religousity?

He is, How does he, Maybe

I was taken aback, almost appalled at the questions that I heard, almost speculative, something that is not borne out of affection, of friendship, it is more gossipy. 

Totally disappointing, for me, it is one thing to be ignorant, that can be corrected, but to be fully aware and be judgmental about it is something else. 

In my mind, I am whow.. stop that, that is not a behavior that I am expecting from someone who professes to love God with so much reverence. You might say, I am judging, I am not. I am theorizing that sometimes in our earnestness to love God, we become self-righteous and forget that He wanted us to be compassionate, not to measure, to see beyond that external appearance.

Your lens is blurry, it needs cleaning. Praying is different from doing.  Oh, please don't think of me as a holier than thou creature. I am not, but I am happy that I am conscious, aware, that I am loved by God and so are you, all of us, so why allow the face of the devil to shroud this beautiful scenario.

I am not saying this right, huh, just religousity does not really make it, live it!

Be kind period.

I need you..

It was heart-wrenching, to listen to outpourings, talking about long-bottled sadness, releasing the pain, pain to hold on to for sanity. Faces almost expressionless, eyes looking in the horizon, words just coming out.  One can not really tell what lurks in one's heart, what is hidden under the smile, the street face.

It is the heart that cries out for God to please hold me and take care of me..

I am back!!

Yes, I am back, have been to our favorite the old place on Grand, more than once, feasted on the scallop fried rice, even got a free moon cake on 2 occasions (in celebration of the harvest festival) - I took Nikki's share. 

Amidst a photoshoot for an online profile (not mine silly, a friend'), the farmers's market, cleaning, unpacking, and just going back to the old routine I was able to break bread, telephone, IM,  saw some in church, and talk about life with people dear to me.

Someone  once mentioned somewhere that there are no best friends, just good friends. I tend to agree with that, my good friends have their best friends, as I did. But we can just talk about anything and be comfortable with it.  We seek each other when we want to vent, share a laugh, needed comfort, what else can I ask for.  Yet, we have different lives, not too intertwined, we are almost the first to know what is going on about each other, and we are worried if one is absent for too long. 

It is exhilirating to be a part of their lives, the confidence that I am part of it, makes me glow.  Now why am I talking about them like this? This is sort of a tribute, an acknowledgment of their importance.

You know who you are, now take a bow. :)

Behave..

Last Wednesday, we struggled with our interpretation of the readings and the Gospel for this Sunday.  There was the master who complimented his manager about being shrewd and Jesus saying something about cultivating relationships with material things, in the end God remembers who did and who didn't.  It was certainly about generosity contradicted by greed but there were underlying messages that we can't seem to fathom.

A more collected member summed it up as we just have to behave and everything will be alright.  Yes, it is so easy to say BEHAVE. One word, it means towing the line, following the rules, not giving in to temptations, there's a whole lot of things in that bag. 

To follow the rules is to behave, the act itself is behavior (there I am again with my syllogisms, y'all know I am not a native speaker).  Sometimes openness does not really mean not being able to contain oneself and just giving in to our thoughts.  Allowing us to make unwieldly (w?) actions.  Therefore, it is bad behavior to think and act outside the confines of what is proper, what is within the purview of  God's desires.  No, this is not the thinking outside the box that I always talk about. It is not the norm, the trend, the latest fad, it is what God wanted us to do even if we are the only ones living that way. Yeah, can we really?

With all these I was reminded of the Capital Sins and the Virtues that those Sins Opposed, a little Cathechism here:

                                        Pride                      Humility
                                        Covetousness        Liberality
                                        Lust                       Chastity
                                        Anger                    Meekness
                                        Gluttony                Temperance
                                        Envy                       Brotherly love
                                         Sloth                      Diligence

With that I say, BEHAVE.  Try we can.

My faith..

It is early morning and I am still up, while there is a blogger that I follow who's up early in the morning, doing what I do now.  There is a reason for this, I am mulling thinking about my faith.  It is my turn to share about my faith in RCIA and I am just now organizing my thoughts.

I am a cradle Catholic. Raised by conservative parents in the beginning of Vatican II. I was very accepting of the tradition of my faith.  Have always questioned why things are done the way they are.  My love for Him and my belief has never wavered but the church structure I took exceptions. But then it was always, do this or you will go to hell.  It was not a promise of eternal joy of knowing Him, but the threat of burning in hell if I don't do good. 

There was reverence but no relationship, a very childish approach.  As I grow and matured in my belief, I now know one thing, the resistance then, was pride. I resisted because I did not want to relinquish my perceived control of my being. In doing so, my faith then was superficial because I did not have trust in my creator, I wanted to still be in control.

My faith journey will not end here, as I am only realizing these things, grateful for the chance of knowing, accepting, and learning. Thank you Lordy.

Wow..ang ganda

Beautiful isn't it, I feel so privileged being able to see such beauty, I can feast my on these wonders and just be at peace. But that is after I have indulged in all those worldly thangs that we purchased and ate, haha..

Seriously though, we don't need to look very far to appreciate the beautiful things that is around us.  But sometimes we have this tendency of looking far and hard and not see what's right in front of us.  We are blinded by this constant searching, not realizing that we already have all the tools that we need, we just need to implement.

At this morning's homily, Father Tom, quoted a verse in the Bible, "You did not choose me, I chose you." Therefore our non acceptance is a clear and blatant rejection of Him. To which, I say, who are we, to do so.

Reco-nize!

Ate Monie: On you it seems like you have more realistic emotions now than you can express before...or....maybe ...
Ate Monie: you are braver to express yourself now than before...

My cousin just visited this blog and that's what she said. Maturity does that, I think, things are better defined, as we mature we are able to grasp the reasons for our actions and make sense of ideas and thoughts.  I give credit to Lordy of course for making me see light.

But on to the more mundane, silly, my co-worker, decided that we have to dine at elways restaurant.  He was a ballplayer, not someone who follows sports, I asked if we are dining there because the place is good or just because it is owned by somebody famous.  Dine we did, it was expensive, being from the Bay Area, and who knows my way around the kitchen, I would say it is okay, but the service is good. The wait staff are attentive, but they don't seem to know what to do.  Discreet service is I guess not a part of the "now" culture anymore.

Then we have to have good Italian, found Maggiano's the spinach salad was good but the pasta dish was soupy.  Oh well, enough of this dining out, I should just stick to my adobo't - I make it differently, kanin (rice) or penoy and balut.

Cheesecake and shoes, cure for all ills

Yeah, cheesecake and shoes, cure for all ills, that is if we've taken care of our spiritual feed.. Anyway we lucked out at dillards in Colorado, something that you won't see in California.  We don't have season changes like they do.  Shoe sales at 75% off would make my blogpal Marie dance with joy haha..

We shopped as a reward for long hours of work, didn't I say that we didn't need a reason to shop for shoes.  I did feel guilty afterwards, as I was reading my book of prayers, it sort of nudged me about overindulgence, that desire to acquire material things to the excess. I have no excuse but just because I am human.

The doctor is in..

The doctor is in... yey.. The fixer of everything. I need psychiatric help.

Anything that ails me, he has a prescription. The question is, do I follow what is prescribed.

This is a funny picture, he was in the Boulder Pride Event, not sure if I will actually consult with one. he he

Most of our ills are not really that physical life threatening ones, I know, sometimes, we need assurance that we are still part of the "ecosystem" that we are still alive. That we matter. Little do we know, that we we do, we matter, we are important, if only we will cease it making it an issue.

Hmmm, just like what I am doing right now, my observations seem to be critical, mostly it is directed to myself really, some are reactions to events that may or may not matter.

Bottom line is in the end it is not how we feel, but how we make others feel. Hrrrmph, we are part of an equation, we are not the equation.. ha ha..

The power to think

It is indeed powerful, how thoughts take us to different heights, we are diverted from mundane, trivialities, and taken to lofty ideals. This same power sometimes make us overly analytical that what would have been a beautiful, emotional, natural interaction is reduced to an indifferent exchange.

This is because of that fear of rejection, the feeling of making one's feelings known, the feeling of showing one's weakness, one's vulnerability. Not realizing that such displays makes us even stronger.

Sensitivities or idiocies

The id, self, ego - is a very complicated one.  I have often talked about it's persistence the  need to be recognized, sometimes to a fault.  We react wrongly because we felt that we have been slighted, that what was said was an effrontery to our being. Yet, that self-persistence causes us to say words that are sometimes offending and hurtful to others too.

I know that this is not what makes us, our being.  There is the attributes- personality- character and then our being.  It begins with the innate, complemented by other influences, such as family, environment, faith.  The ability to distinguish good from evil is said to be innate.

Why do I ask this? As I mature in my faith, I recognize that Lordy plays an important role, if only, we will allow Him. With our faith, we are taught understanding, love for others, giving us the ability to not give in to a knee-jerk reaction to defend that oft-thought-of slighted self.

The funny thing about it, we sometimes (sorry we, means I) react with strong words, when the dust settles, we feel bad at having hurt someone and be miserable about it.

Ayyya yyyy, life is so complicated.

The day that was...

Staying in a hotel compels me to adhere to rules of civility changing before going to breakfast. Routine is absent in these trips, hours are determined by the host office.

It is good, though, I get to observe different ways, and appreciate what is one this neck of the woods. We went to the Denver Botanic Gardens and Boulder on Saturday. This place has be geographically confused more than I already am. We had dinner in Littleton, went across the street for sundries in Lone Tree, and went to work in Englewood. All these in a 5 mile radius. The church is in Centennial. A beautiful church of St. Thomas Moore, a very solemn one. I like the service.

Today is going to be a busy one. Yesterday, was a bit frustrating, things didn't work out as scheduled. I think I am getting homesick, boo hooo...

Yesterday, Thursday

Yesterday, Thursday, yes, pre-Friday, post-humpday as such not so busy not uneventful either.

I received a call from a woman in church, she had a mishap and would need help taking care of things, like grocery shopping. I am away and will not be able to do anything but I just know the person who will be able to. She is from the same neighborhood and she is one who is always willing to help. This is proof that the community is working, God's people are willing help and be helped. The openness is present, just as He wanted. I also heard that a few people who has been absent from the Bible Study came last Wednesday, wow..

Speaking of phone calls, travails of motherhood and singlehood, also had my phone line burning. Colic and aceite de manzanilla, cost of special formula, moving back to San Francisco, there is excitement in her voice despite all the time consuming details that comes with motherhood. On another hand, there is lawyer's fees for a family property, a practice, finding HER man, the father of her child, and other family issues. Details that makes her wonder, when it is going to stop, when is she going to finally have something that she can call her own. I can only say one thing, "Have you tried praying?"

Back in my world, on a lesser scale, we finished early, had time to meander a little bit, rest, and dwell. There was hospitality night at the hotel, I just partook of dip and chips to fill the gap. Then we went to dinner at Basil Thai, the decor was well thought-off, the price was okay, the food was good, well prepared. What was important was we had occassion to break bread with someone from another office (SCO) got to know her, which wouldn't have happened if not for this TDY.

Oh, but I didn't tell you about Sunday, for some reason I wanted to have an emotional cleansing, women do this, we just had to cry. I culled on the sad stories, there was no good-makes-you-cry Lifetime movie. Nothing, I wasn't able to reach the desired renewal. Maybe it was a silly process, that there is really nothing to empty at that point, it is not that I am ecstatic, in 7th heaven, about my life. There is the stable, contented existence with Lordy in it, that I momentarily overlooked. I do the heart emptying everytime I talk to him, therefore, nothing accumulates that would require such a melodramatic preparation to heal.

Must have..

"He is nice, but he .."

"She is, but.."

"I wish I have"

This is a common response in most conversations, there doesn't seem to have contentment, a satisfaction of what is given. A proof to the dictum that I first learned in Economics, "Man by nature is insatiable".

As I ponder on this, it seems that relationships would have worked if there is no box that has to be satisfied, a box of criteria of the ideal.  If only he talks this way, if only she wears clothes this way.  In our effort to find what is perfect in our eyes, we try to shape them into what they are not, to satisfy the mold that we believe is right.  In the end we are stuck with somebody we don't know, who don't know themselves, by us whom we can't say who because we kept changing to satisfy that norm.

It is complicated isn't it? And the victims of all this is us and our relationships. Looking deeper into this scenario, makes me realize that it is just not that conformity that is at fault.  It seems that with that desire to mold someone, we lose our respect for that person, our trust in them that they can do it on their own, and the ability to allow them to be individuals.  Individuals of their own and still be able to connect to them at all levels.  Is relationship really like that?  Should it be constrictive, restrictive, oppressive?

Hah!

Expiration date..

I found that I am holding on to old things, things that has no value, things that has expired. RT Amtrak tix from DC to Virginia beach, residual tix value from SW, commuter checks, SF cable car, coupons, and miscellaneous other things. Change in plans-driving instead of the train ride, different airports, or just plain forgetfulness. I have good intentions, use it when I come back, but never had the chance.

Expiring in the old days, means something else, not just a date on a piece of paper but the ultimate expiration. "She expired of consumption." Death of tuberculosis.  No beautiful words to sugarcoat such a loss.  Can I say then that I WLL EXPIRE when I am good and ready?

Planning things out does not seem to work. I wonder if that is the same with life, no matter how much we plan, it will not pan out, the way we wanted to. He has big plans, all the time, things that we don't even consider.

Habit..

I woke up from a strange bed at 7:30, a hotel room in Englewood, where I will be for the next two weeks, strange noise kept me up, the ice maker, the airconditioning, even my own breathing. Habit no matter where I am, I would wake up at that time. 

I thought I am an out of the box person, a person who can adapt easily, pliant, guess old is creeping up, that I like the familiar things, my place, my neighborhood, even the smell  of the place.

Thinking about it, I realize that I still go back to things that I am used to, the comfort of it, in a get together last Friday, I was thinking of preparing something different with the beef, maybe something Med, but I still ended preparing it the way Mom usually do, Bistek.

That was some segue there huh! different keyboard, different thought haha..  We got lost yesterday, almost made it to Vail, more out there in the mountains. Well, if I know Lordy, He just willed it that way, gave us a chance to appreciate the Colorado mountains, different traffic signs, different lightings, before we immerse ourselves in work.

And appreciate we did..

On finding the right one..

A friend visited and we got to talking about what else but the right one.. The Librans that we are, we are romantic and have all these thoughts of what it's going to be like. I may have talked about it before, the deal breaker will be that he has to be a believer. A very strong faith, God above all others is how she termed it.  I agree completely, all others will follow.  You may ask why, if he is a believer then he will have all the attributes of a good human being.

Once that is satisfied then we can unabashedly let go and allow ourselves to experience that wonderful emotion called love. So readers, tell me how it is for you.  I love to ask pry about people's love stories, and oooh and aahhh about it.  There is nothing sweeter than falling in love, they say, it's a very joyful, wonderful, an almost indescribable feeling. 

We talked about how it will be, knowing when it is the one, when one's being is all agog, crazy-like, a beautiful one. I hope it does not just become an idea, that we get all hang up about and not know when it is the one.  Or that we are always waiting for the next best thing and not realize that it has pass us by.

Find that shoes..

This is a cute pair huh! I was following a thread on Filipino cooking and ended on Marie's  blog, my admiration didn't stop there, he he I sent her an email asking where she got it and what it is.  She said she got it in HK and it is MXM, not sure if it is MaxMara, but I did googled the brand and didn't find it. Leads anyone?

Women and shoes is something that can't be separated, we just have to have the right shoes for each outfit.  A reason to buy one, be it ennui, angst, or just gotta have that. Ooops, my consumerism is showing or is it my browness? Imelda Marcos of the thousand shoes fame is after all a Filipino :0 A friend even justified it as shoes gives a woman a pep in her every step.

Think about it as our contribution to the economy, there is a lot of effort involved in the production of those shoes, after all. Didn't I say there is no effort to be profound here?

If...

If I am from a different generation or a different world where I don't have to work everyday, I will luxuriate, enjoy my days.  Savor going to the market preparing food the old fashioned way.  Where I can read, meet friends for coffee, sew, crochet, even garden. Good grief, I am describing my grandmother's life.

I am probably saying that because that is something that I don't have. But really, wouldn't it be nice to live like it was in the old days? Maybe life will not be harried, but enjoyed, people are more connected, there is support, instead of competition, appreciation, respect. Ah, that will be lovely!

A gathering of friends...

It is always a pleasure to be in the company of friends, enjoying good food, wine, unabashedly making our positions known, each respectful of one's circumstance, their being, yet alacritous in our gentle responses (:)

We are drawn together by faith, Catholics, yet different approaches, one in our beliefs, in our love for God.  Nothing is more personal than the sharing of faith, praying for each other's strength, building a community of faithfuls.

It is always a discovery.  Gleeful it may be, but we have to go back to our own niches, we need reminded of the things that we learned.  Trying to apply the Word in our own lives.  We always hear the saying, leave your life like it is the last.  Does that not mean that we should drink to oblivion, eat or have sex, shop until we drop? Should we attone, be prepared make sure that there are no stones unturned?

Lordy said, "we don't know when the time will come, so we should always be prepared".  Makes sense doesn't it?

In our preparation, though (I should have a disclaimer here, that all references to you, our or anything in the second person is really my observation) humans that we are, allow ourselves to dwell on the trivialities of this existence. We try to find excuses for things that we do but shouldn't and not continue to find those that we failed to do.