But my friend...

True that in the end one can be saved from the fires of hell if there is repentance and the recognition of God as the Savior.  But what is it for, when the joy of experiencing that forgiveness can't be savoured and basked in this lifetime. It is in His glory that one thrives and find the meaning of life.

Inner peace and self contentment is easily achievable through that acceptance.  Hey, no shrinkage required, no prozak, just God :) The tradition and teaching is not that material, finding Him matters.  I can easily say that my tradition is better, but because I don't know other, and that is not finding fault in others.

I am praying that you find Him, may I suggest that you don't look too far, just feel it.  After all, when everything has been said and done, when you have exhausted all the academic avenues, your decision will not depend on that intelligent choice but your heart guided by the Holy Spirit. We are already chosen, it is just a matter of standing up and recognizing it.

You are loved, no matter what.

Whatevered..

This is a sign on Franklin and 21st, no wonder I always get disoriented on my way to work.

I received an email last week, asking for an opinion, being sick and wanting to wear a dfferent hat, I responded acquiesizing to a request and feigned nonchalance on the other. When I saw him again, I asked if he got my response, to which he said yes, and you whatevered me.

I sometimes feel that I say too much that I have an opinion about a lot of things, so I do force myself to be quiet, too bad. those are the days when I shouldn't be.

Oh well!

The cube farm is quiet...

The cube farm is quiet, even the glass tower.  My little corner at work has very little traffic.  There are at least 4 global employees, some transients, and a few regulars like me who have our own disappearing acts too.  There is one who after 2 weeks of negotiating, his project got cancelled, is on his way to Abu Dhabi for a 3 month TDY and maybe looking at SFO or SEA for a longer term, one is in Atlanta, 2 on separate trips to Australia, and the rest I don't know.  I get emails and phone messages with no indication of their whereabouts I thought that they are still around.  The office set up these days, does not leave room for privacy, I can hear their music, their sighs, smell their lunches, and still not be connected on  a personal level.

I like to maintain that thing that they call professional distance, being proper. I thought I was doing that.  Not seeing this PM in a long time, we have written a lot of work plans and safety plans together for his project, for which we earned an Army coin.  When I saw him last week,  we hugged like old friends, updated, the proud grandpa telling stories of his grandchildren, his project ending at the end of the year. As we walked away, smiling, I realized whoops, that was not a business handshake, when I was not looking somehow the detached business persona has transformed into the friendly neighborly association.  I'm not complaining..

It's my birthday..

In 2 hours and some, it will be the anniversary of my birth, in some places of the world, it has passed, ha ha..

I am getting old, before I would look back and see what I have done with my life, what I have accomplished. Today, I don't even have the urge to look. There is the contentment about me that I don't need to measure what I have done and what I need to do.  I will just move on and continue moving on, happy that I am given the gift of life, of love and the joy of knowing Lordy.

BTW, yesterday at the Bible Study, we had a little party, although every Wednesday is a party, but it was special because they gave me a wonderful card and cupcakes with candles to blow. Except that I was still coughing, so the youngest member of the group had to blow the candles for me.  The card said "To someone who stands out from the rest" ... It was a happy day, I was with people to me on a special day.

Tomorrow, will be the actual celebration and we are going to have a get together at a restaurant.  Woohoo, aging has its plusses.

Yoohoo, Clifford..

In my writing retreat last Saturday, in one of the exercises, we created 2 characters that of Clifford and Millie. There were givens like where they live, favorite food, etc. and we manage to come up with different personalities.  The personality created, I am guessing is a result of the personality of their creator.  If I follow that line of thinking being that the Clifford that I created has the same persona as my friend did will lead me to conclude that there is indeed a commonality that bonds people.  Anyway, that exercise was hilarious, the pictures that we painted of Cliff was amazing and this in 20 minutes.  There were even sound effects, of course the bellowing yoohoo is not mine.

That didn't end there, I was looking for a Cliff on Monday and continued to build on that person that we created.  Going back to the retreat, this is a writing retreat that I attend once a year, facilitated by an Amherst trained, nurse Franciscan nun from the twin City, she is great. Did all that description help you, dear readers get the idea that I had an enjoyable experience?

Oh well...

You are..

You are love,
You are wisdom,
You are humility,
You are endurance,
You are rest,
You are peace,
You are joy and gladness,
You are justice and moderation,
You are all our riches,
And you suffice for us.
-Saint Francis

I lifted this (without permission) from Sarah's page, <withheld, lest I violate the unwritten>.  No explanation necessary.

This blog thing..

This blog thing is great, I am discovering a lot of things, it is a subculture that is so present day.  Unless it is to push a product, what is blogged is not necessarily talked about live. However, reading them allows that sense of familiarity, that I nearly congratulated a friend's mom for her children's wonderful writing. Or to Mark who does b... a lot but recognize grace and humility in others.  When I talk to my friend about men who carry their rosaries  in their pockets, I am reminded of him.

There is this site whose images is just a torture to diabetics :). Somehow there is the connection, when I am sensing unhappiness I want to touch them, a squeeze of the hand, comforting gestures.  After all it is in this medium where we can write our feelings away.

Figure me out..

A new friend observed that my writing comes in spurts, he does not know me well enough yet. If he does, he will know that this is me, I come in spurts too he he..

I shared this site with some friends in Church and they said that reading this will probably help them figure me out.  Silently I was wondering why do you need to figure me out.  All I know about me is I didn't come from a cookie cutter, therefore I can't be boxed, we were urbanites in a suburb and suburbanites in the city. 

But going back, I don't figure out people around me, I wanted to be surprised by their conversation.  Their ideas, their instincts are all different, different from mine, from each to other.  I do have justification for most things, maybe not justification but answers or reasons. It is when I am not looking hard is when I find the wisdom that I am seeking.

Go figure.

He said, she said..

My curiosity got the better of me, when I said, okay let's do lunch.  Not that I don't want to, but because I will hear downloads that I am not sure I want to hear.  I heard from him about her before I even knew her and I can tell you that is the most uncomfortable place to be in.  Meeting the person after all that. 

It seems to me that we can be too opinionated at times that talking about someone, almost maligning their person, is becoming commonplace.

Although another he said, it is not a part of this exchange, and I didn't press nor asked about it, when I heard who the players were.  None of my concern...

Life is good..

If I say it too often, you might believe me, truthfully though, ceteris paribus it is still good.  Unless, we look at it in some odd fashion and think that the world owes us.  Then such a hypothesis would be hard to prove.

The joy of others shouldn't be somebody else's burden.  I am saying this as an encouragement to those who feel lowly, not the physical blah, that I have, but the funk that can really throw one off. 

I was going to quote Rostow's theory of economic growth and realized that it is so old and will probably not find application in today's world.  You will wonder economics, life, yes, Virginia, it is not just one of my quirky ideas, we can look at life this way or in an allegorical manner.

If all these still doesn't get you, how about, life is too short to sulk and blame the world, just embrace it and enjoy.

Yun lang!

Baby steps..

She is serious about her faith, she loves God more than anything. To be a full fledged believer though means living it.  She does not believe in "Cafe Catholicism" where she can pick and choose the applicable doctrines. She feels she has to immerse herself.

I told her it is a gradual process, that we will be there, hold her hand. Watch over her, lest she falls, as she is, with her arms half streched ready to catch us and pull us up.

I can hear the angels singing, Amen, amen..

If you, then..

There are too many ifs in this world that has to be satisfied, the need for coverage makes me wonder if we have a full grasp of this thing called life.  I say this because if we will just be dodging what's being sent our way then life will not be exciting, not fun at all.  It will be stressful, I would think, the element of trust will be lost.

I heard this said once, "if you get it, then I will be committed",  a commitment is more than what you're giving, it is an embodiment of your decision to be a part of a relationship, you discern and accept.  Such words when uttered and recalled to me, made me think what was it all about then, a game, was it a mockery of the exercise. I do hope something is gained from it.

Ouch!

I lost a project

On Tuesday, a conference call that would have been an update of what I have done, ended with "I don't think it will work", "I need someone who is next door to me".  He did indicated what his expectations were, which is a committed half time, half time is left to play with colors, words, and other stuff.

I wondered if was going to work, just to set up, access the databases, and other stuff, took even my personal time.  He thought I was a whiz with numbers, little did he know that I thrive more on colors and words.  Sure I know my ptri even my abc, but it is so easy to get lost in this activity.  I can't be captivated by it, so in between gross margins and labor revenue I find myself thinking of other things.

That is the consulting world dear readers, but wait I am digressing here.  My point is, while I am realizing that it is going to be a difficult endeavor, having to travel to SAC on a regular basis, I was hurt that it was taken away from me.  After a few moments of self recrimination,  I dusted myself off, I know that it is Lordy all along, for how can I think of other things, my RCIA article for example, and such other things that constitute life.

Pride is all there is, guilty as charged.

Feeling a little better...

I have a body clock that wakes me up at midnight to remind me of things undone.. well it works if i am on schedule, days like these, not so sure..

I feel a little better, but yesterday or even the day before was horrible, I had the chills, so  congested that I can only curl on my bed, crank up the heat, and recite my Hail Mary's (for old Catholics that's just what we can do).

I can tell that the season has changed, this is how my system welcomes it, it didn't even allow me to catchup with my reading or writing, I was just down. I think I can do with another day off, people will veer away from me anyway, not wanting to catch what I got, and not in a discreet way mind you.

The other day a friend of mine called, she has been trying to reach me to no avail (she is on east coast time).  After a good amount of download she reached this conclusion that I am lonely.  I was surprised, I responded, no this can't be a lonely time in life, this is one of the best times,  after all, it is my birthday next week.  Until it dawned on me, that she is feeling lonely and taken for granted, and she wanted to feel needed, to hold my hand.  This when I have already hung up, too late, I wish I have been more sensitive, my only excuse is that I am in a hurry to get to work, and I can't find my ATM card.

Lordy, gives us that doze, a lot of times, an opportunity to be selfless, if only we recognize it, then the cycle will be complete.

No T, I don't want it either..

She made a comment on one of my posts, effectively blowing the anonimity of my chatters, just kidding.  No, I don't want the young adults group to be a singles group. I would like for it to be a place for people to interact safely and at the same time foster our faith. 

A group where someone can be comfortable and confident in their own skin, marital status is immaterial.  Where it is coming as a couple or singly poses no meaning.  More like the friendships that have developed from the Bible Study and RCIA. 

A lot of times new comers in the area seek a church and wants to meet new friends. I feel that having a social group will fulfill that need.

Cabbie talk..

Most of the time I am not interacting, busy with my own thoughts, or fishing for my key, key card, even the money to pay for the ride from my big purse, somedays I do, and I get to listen to their stories. 

 Trying to catch an early morning Amtrak train, my cabbie was so inspired, I was his last run for the day. He works 7pm to 7am, he is aiming to earn 2 grand a week, while he can he said.  He is 25 and he wants to discover the world, to travel, maybe discover his calling.  That's a good plan, I remember when I was that age, I was trying to figure out my life on my own, I guess I didn't hear the calls then.

The other night I got this comment, "you still live in that address". It turns out he was out of the cab business for 4 years trying other things, but he likes the freedom of the business so he is back.

This morning I got reference materials on the Bible, he said it is the best, he is a recoverng Catholic and seemed so inspired about the Bible.  No, I didn't initiate the Bible conversation, there must be a writng on my forehead that I am studying the scriptures too.

What strikes me though, is I am often asked which hospital or health facility I am working for, they seemed to have this idea that it is a preferred profession for my people.  Oh well..

You know..

I had a chance to talk to him one-on-one, I got to know him a little better, marriage is in the plan, (not for me haha) he wanted it sooner.  I m glad, happy for them, the conversation segued into other things, having friends, cooking etc.  It provided an opening for me to just say, "You know she is very dear to us, you better take care of her, or we will be on your case" He countered, you don't have to worry on that regard, I know who she came with, I promise I will.  Not that I needed an assurance, I saw the connection even before they did.  I am like that, I can see, what others can't, and no it is not the "I can see dead people variety" :)

Speaking of which, on Sunday, overenthused me, I just kept thrusting this friend of mine to meet other members of the church,  I know, she will be instrumental in the formation of a Young Adult Group in OLL, and a lot of things after that. Just people of the same faith connecting, celebrating Lordy.

Finally, I would like to share the story of this couple, it will be shown in the Mill Valley film festival.

Lead us not into temptation..

The Lord's Prayer  has a huge impact on me, it's so powerful that I get emotional during Mass, when we are reciting it.  Sometimes when I am think-praying it, a montage of people's faces, people I know and care who are in my prayer request list, moving too fast, hoping that all will be mentioned before the prayer finished.

I say this, because I am praying for her, a very spiritual woman, a mother, a daughter, a wife,  a friend, a neighbor, just her.  She is a strong woman, who was not fortunate enough to have a challenging marriage.  She accepted, struggled, and prayed. What is sad is there is another person, who under the guise of friendship, keeps taunting her, tempting her to break her marital vows.

I pray for her, that Lordy will be there in her moment of weakness, that He will lead her not into temptation. I also pray for the other person, may he realize that he is being used by the darkness.

Recrimination - attonement..

Several posts ago, I talked about lost friends, venting about this friend of mine.  He read it and said "how can you spank me like that".  I think we are more this. Hmm, I don't know, when things are highlighted we search our minds for answers.  But most of the time, things are just being swept under the rug.  The conversation ran into ownership (there is only one person who can claim that :), blah blah. One thing is true, some things you can't force, it's better to let go, than hang on to it and totally lose even the good memories.  The more you pull, the more the other party pushes.

 It's awright, that's life. We evolve, we move on..

The joyful drama of life, a diorama..

I was on the bus one morning, normally I will be listening to the news or reading something.  I guess I don't have my ignore-the world props that I paid attention.  The picture is of 2 women, I'm guessing a mother and daughter, they were not talking/nor interacting, I saw the smile of contentment, the joy of being together.  How they were drawing the warmth of love and affection from each other, such a quiet expression of love. 

On one side, looking out the window this is what I saw.  If that wall could only speak, it would say to us "you're lucky consumers you have enough choices to make a decision" and to itself, prostituting oneself to the highest bidder is such a bad idea.  This sort of reminded me of a friend of mine, she does not believe in choosing this way. If she is entertaining someone, trying to discover possibilities, she will not even consider going out with anybody else. She likes to give the person her full attention so that her decision is not clouded she says.  She feels cheap going out with more than one person.  Way to go, girl!

I am not paying attention, noticing things, but I didn't get the signal, when I received separate phone calls, and more than one at that.  I was blabbing, "oh I'm going to have lunch with her" and he said, "that's kinda awkward, she just broke up with me. This time I think it is with finality."  I can only say, maybe it's time to examine yourself as to what went wrong, he said he will.  I know, he is banking on an update from me. 

I get a good amount of download, it does not come from a "how are you?". The how are you, that is hard to answer.  Half the time the person asking is not expecting a laborious account of one's day.  It comes in spurts, sometimes I have to pry, sometimes just dropped on my lap, sometimes a quiet whisper (no, not the pinoy way of whispering a shout).  A trusting account of what happened.  Most of the time, I am not expected to do anything, just to listen. In the end, a resolve to put in my bag of prayer wishes, that sometimes get bundled in "Lordy, please be with them, give them strength, and the realization that it is not all pain. That under the bitterness of it all, is a joyful, sweet reward of Your embrace".

On making love..

Got you there huh! Isn't that an act of making love :).  I visited with a friend today, she has a lovely apartment, very cozy and comfortable. As always conversation would lead to sharing of love-God experiences, how it was before we discovered that we are maturing in our faith. Anyway, we have this observation about how we land in relationships with undesirable or individuals that we are incompatible  with. It seems like we feel important, verified, when attention is given to us.  Having been given that attention, we allow ourselves to be manipulated, thinking that it is in response to such an affectionate displays, the attention.  We tend to overcome the signals, the warning bells that spells trouble.

That's why "let's just make love" forget about the ifs, the buts, etc. I have the coins :).  Seriously though, one thing that I realized is we can't do it alone, God has to be a part of it, so that we are able to discern, knowing what He wants from us, then we make the right decisions, the right choices.