A theory on pride..

There is someone at work who is staunch in her stand that no one will treat her less than she deserves. So she built this wall around her making sure that she is respected and treated with dignity.  In doing so, however, she alienates herself  from others. It is always difficult if we gauge things with our accomplishments, with our education. If that is the case, others will not matter.

Truth is, there is more depth, better things in life than all that.

Post hump day...

This week has been busy, almost gruelling, it would have been easier if it was just work, but then there are personalities that act like the world owes them.  Don't you hate that, a total vexation of my spirit.

At last night's Bible study though, we read a verse about not talking about others, lest you be judged by God.  One of the members was right about an interpretation, about who is the greatest, although John the Baptist is great. I blew that one, posing an idea that is so off, it is funny that someone said, "get off the phone and get on the throne". I made the realization when I was home and alone.

I am waiting for my ride, hence this post. Good use of idle time, my batting average here on wordpress is way too low this month.

Well, let me tell about about a couple who is dear to me, they are planning their wedding, in the huff of their prepration, they got sidetracked of what is important. Attitude unchecked came out riding high.  They are back on track and I am happy about that.  We are rallying for you guys with Lordy :).

Hope today is better, but I have a deliverable tomorrow, which is going to cut on my play time. Oh well...To be a slave of the moolah...

Looking through the glass window..

As I go through everyday life, I meet others and the pleasure of knowing them.  Entrusted sometimes with the story of their lives, not to judge, just to listen. I wince at their pain, look in admiration at how they were able to conquer their battles "still standing".  Their sorrows, their burdens, and their joys has given me a greater understanding of life.

In last night's RCIA the kewl Korean - nun, she was wearing jeans and her words were not of the poius nuns that I was so familiar with.. she said boundaries are the  transgeression of growth.  Makes sense huh, we put barriers, upon barriers around us, for protection, but in the end we sheath ourselves against growth and come out of it ignorant, scared of even saying or standing for our beliefs.

Tiring weekends, leftovers, and spicy Indian food..

Yes, most of my weekend was spent cleaning and doing laundry. Adult tasks that I don't really care for. I almost wish for a previous life where I can use my weekends more productively.  Today, I woke up late, missed BYOW, good thing I went to mass yesterday, there was laundry, clearing of leftovers, and cleaning. Now my place is clean almost spotless, laundry is not yet finished, but that can wait.

Anyway, I promised myself that I will be better organized.

I said this 2 weekends ago, it is just too much, taking time out of play time and the numerous projects that I have set.

So why am I blabbering, uhmm nothing, just being nonsensical, sort of  justifying my long absence, I know, I know, you are waiting with bated breath ha ha.. such confidence.

Discovered an Indian restaurant that delivers, woohoo, that is a change but their food is spicier than most, that means I will have to chase a intake with water, not healthy at all.

On top of all the housework that I needed to do, I discovered space that I can use above the cupboard, covered by a singly plywood for aesthetic reasons. So 1 morning I decided to remove the covering and found a place for seldom used pots and pans. Double bonus, I discovered that little space between the refrigerator and the cupboard can hold the baking pans.  I can now officially declare that I am efficient packrat..

Hah!

Thanksgiving..

Thanksgiving had Tea cooking, slaving in the kitchen over pies, dressing (stuffing), and mashed potatoes. The milk on her pie is soy (tofu) milk. That gurl has energy, energy to stand by what she believes in, from sugar, to margarine, everything has to be produced ethically right. I am not oriented in any other way, just because I had occassion to see some of the primitive processes, and I can easily say that no cruelty is done, but then again I probably had more tolerance than others.  Tolerance not indifference mind you.  Anyway, it was a very pleasant dinner, a mixed group, indeed.

Conversation went from childhood to religion.  How it is difficult for some who were educated in the pre-Vatican II were made to memorize the Baltimore Cathechism. The teachings which had a clear definition of things, how an infraction can send someone careening to hell and with the new teachings those who were caught in between had nowhere to go. 

He was being funny, he said it is difficult to believe, but his kids are studying in a Catholic School, it is kinda like the idea that being a Catholic is like ball in chain, yet he still believes.

Some of us played scrabble, Tea's friend, jokingly said, for a Catholic you cleaned out pretty good.  To that we had a good laugh, true we can be labeled as such, we like being so..

Hey I was able to nudge a friend that her ploy of disappearing so that we will miss her, actually worked.

But I am digressing, I would like to share the things that I am thankful about:

• family (given)


• friends-great ones, am discovering and seeing a different side every time...


• dysfunction, then I am able to see what is and what isn't


• relationships, good, failed, and the wishful


• recognition that there is a God, and the sensitivity to recognize


• to black Fridays and grey Thursdays (althought we didn't really participate) I got a cheap slow cooker


• the growing consciousness of the need to care for the environment (I actually pledged not to buy bottled water)


• compassion not pity or worst patronizing


• the thinking people around me, they make my world colorful


• the ability to be still and savor the joys of life


• happiness

Thanks everyone for making this happen..

Of writers, authors, and bloggers..

Obit: Mailer « NEARSIGHTED BROAD

Norman Mailer has passed, earlier this year, the Death of a Salesman author passed, I thought it was Mailer, to anybody who knows me well that's normal, not the death of Norman but my lack of details. Anyway, I enjoyed Harlot's Ghost and the Death of a Salesman, reads of long ago.

Mailer in Harlot's xx  even showed me how to remember details by association, not that it lasted long.  Anyway, there are writers and there are writers, I noticed that modern writers these days are making things so simplistic, that the power of imagination is not even tickled. As what a friend said it is like a narcotic, a temporary feed to an additction.

I am discovering even bloggers in Wordpress and of course in blogspot. I am finding that there are professors who maintain their blog for their students. Some are authors for reference materials on subject matters like economics. I tried to recall books that I used for my academic preparation ages ago and only found a few, but a recent read called Freakonomics was mentioned and I am pleased with that, that I am getting my facts correctly.

I am tagsurfing on topics like faith, Catholic, life, food. And was drawn to such enlightening accounts of life and faith journey of some. I have also seen a change in tone of some of those that I follow, evidence that writing, especially if it's not recital of facts it can be a pure emotional exercise.

Oh well, I will be working on the backdoor next week, helping someone setup a website and a blog account . As s part of my geeky existence, I decided that I will continue moonlight, en gratis or for payment to create websites, content included, and everything else about computers. More on that later...

Now I am wondering if some writers will sell their soul, ho'ing to my friend, to get what they want instead of what they want to convey, or convey to get what they want.

Blah..

Julie: A woman

It must be devastating to outlive your child. Childless spinsterhood must have it's advantages. We had brunch this morning with Julie, she was so excited, talked about Fr. Seamus and the passing of his Mom. Julie was hoping that he takes a leave of absence so that he can grieve.Then her daughter Elaine came, was on the phone when we were cleaning up, she gave a note saying, her sister has passed, and she needs private time with her Mom, so that she can tell her.  That is really sad, I feel for her. She is a very realistic woman, prayerful, but moms will always be moms.

Julie was excited this morning about going out shopping with Elaine. Little did she know, that she will be buying an outfit for the memorial of her daughter. Sad, isn't it?

But Lordy knows what he is doing.

Emotions: a compendium or a pandemonium

Jubilant: Last week the neighborhood was in a jubilant mood, you would think that the second coming is upon us.  The reason, Trader Joe's just opened, that means they don't have to limit themselves to Safeway and Lucky's on the other side of the lake.  I was one of those who checked it out, bought some persimmons, saw quite a number of people from church. That tells us that we are indeed in a consumerist world.

Wonder: I was in a bit of a funk last week, belatedly, (I did say the party is over, some posts ago) wondering if I am doing what God wants me to do.

Contentment: Contentment is being in that place where there is no wanting, that feeling that everything the is needed we have. A difficult state to be achieved, noting that consumerist state. The first dictum in economics that I learned in college is that Man by nature is insatiable.

Happy: About life in general, my family, friends, my place is even clean:) T talking about her aunt said she is always happy, she has a happy marriage.  In my play of words, I countered, she has a happy marriage, becuase she has a happy disposition.  A relationship cannot be the result of a state of being, it is the other way around. Yes?

Sadness: The parish community was saddened yesterday with the news that the mother of our Pastor passed away, during the 9:00 am mass. She who brought him to life, taught him the grace and virtues to want to be a priest. I didn't know that I have an emotional connection with her that I cried almost to a howl. I pray for the repose of her soul, happy in a way that she will be with Him and enjoy eternal life.

Life: Between BS and PC

I listened to this book, a while back and thought nothing of it. It is about bullshit, how our culture has so much of it, that we think we can spot it from a mile away and be able to duck.  If I remember his premise right, he is saying that even if someone is sincere about what is being said, there is still a certain amount of BS into it.

Now with BS, political correctness, and that desire to be recognize, we must be floating in a sub reality having just a hint of what life really is but if it will be offending or too much to take, we can subsume things as life is still great.  Almost having blinders too scared to face reality.

I fear this kind of thinking will lead me into an unrealistic existence. I am not afraid of truths, I'd rather have it even if it hurts.  Why am I bullshitting you dear readers with this kind of theories so early in the morning on a holiday at that.

Not for me, though, I am coming in later today, a meeting has been cancelled, not work related, but we are having brunch with a senior member of our church. She is homebound these days and certainly misses company. 

Going back to my premise, I fear that even our faith is being reduced to BS.  No intention of being sacrilegious here.  I feel that sometimes in our desire not to offend, to be politically correct, we are missing the point, we try to find justification for our actions, and see affirmation from others.

I know all about Catholic conscience, discernment, my belief, love for God, and that I try to exercise with open eyes and the true compassion. My point: I am old, I don't need that, I don't need to be mollycoddled, nor do I dish it out. I sometimes hide under the excuse of being lost in translation and I am polite most of the time, we were raised to be proper I would say in a phoney, laughable manner :).

Let's just be real, no more BS, please.

Praying:

Notice the person, in between the 2 cars. He is a cabdriver in downtown Berkeley. He is praying in the middle of the afternoon, doesn't matter where.

Prayer is a recognition that there is a God in charge. That we need to ask, lift it up to him, be grateful for the things that we are enjoying in life because it is a gift.  Being Catholic, I used to say, I was just mouthing the words, I know about him, but we pray too much as a kid, I didn't know what it really means. 

It feels good to experience humility, stripped of self absorbed qualities, and just be oneself and be able to commune with God.

Party is over!!

Birthday

Originally uploaded by penoybalut


Yeah, party is over. Flowers are dry, presents in the closet, cards in the box.. Now, I am officially "old".

 Funny, I don't even mind, I am all for graceful aging.  In last night's Bible Study, we learned about the story the woman with 7 sons who were killed by King Alphousyns (?) who was later on killed herself, and another womon who was widowed and had to marry her brothers-in-law to continue the lineage.  Bottom line is all these earthly tragedies will not matter when we take our place with God hopefully in heaven. 

It is comforting, isn't it that there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. To some there doesn't seem to be an end.  I read a story in the blogspher about a woman who lost her business, 1 son died and another has cancer, she has cancer herself. Her life is beset with challenges, but she is not giving up, there is some force within her to fight and seek that pot of gold, to hold God's hand and feel his embrace. 

So life goes on, on for the next rung (is that the right expression?)

Sunday morning..

Still have to get the frozen food from my manager's freezer, didn't have a chance to yesterday as I dozed off while on the phone with a friend. I was consoling her but I ended up just making sympathetic noises and drifting off but because she is in such raw emotional state, she didn't notice.  Now, I feel bad for not being there for her completely.

Anyway, I am looking forward to today, it is going to be a busy day.  I wonder when I will have time for projects that I have set aside. Maybe when I retire?

There is nothing epiphaniac or great realization about today's post. Just that I am happy, it's a beatiful day, the sun is out, sure there's laundy to do but that can wait. Lordy is giving me the day off, so that I can savor all these and enjoy Mass later on today.

Have a good Sunday everyone..

People: friends, life

They're getting married in 3 months, they don't know where they're going for their honeymoon. He wants activities, she wants to lounge, I say get a big boat, fish, while she lounges. :) We have bigger problems, we squeezed them to invite us, we don't have anything to wear, and we don't have a date. Ha ha, everytime we see them we ask how the preparation is progressing and asked them how many guest there will be, then we will add 2 and maybe 2 more, just in case.  This will be a wedding of the time, everybody is excited about them.

On another note, my friend's darling is quietly going around (there's only 3 of us that matter, he said) asking for the nod.  We gave it to him as quickly as we can muster, it will be nothing less than a wedding band on that ring finger. Does not matter where, how, just that ring and the promise of "till death do you part". He said on their birthday card for me that he is grateful that I embraced him in the group, that he is accepted.  Little did he know that there is no such thing as acceptance, we love her, he loves her, we love him.

It is my ex best friend's birthday today, she is 48. I remember one better time, when we were talking about our birthdays, we were probably in our late 30s then. She said something about us getting old and that we are approaching our 40s, I said that can't be, we can't be that old, if you want to hurry, go ahead, I can stay a little behind. ha ha.. It is sad that we are not friends anymore. I don't think there is anger, just that drifting apart. There were times when I pressed that 1-touch button only to hung up, not knowing what to say, where to begin.  We will probably reconnect, when we are old and wrinkly, when our hands are riddled with arthritis, and too slow to run away or to find a witty retort that is meant to slice the heart and cover it with salt. I hope it is not too late that it will be on a deathbed or near a hearse, as that is really a waste of good time.  For now, we heal, we forget, maybe later, regret the lost times that this silliness brings.

I have been to many weddings, to the frilly ones, the well orchestrated, the hurried ones, and  a few in Nevada.  I have been sponsor or Godparents to some, meaning they look up to me to guide them as they go through married life. So I said to my friends, when it's my time, I will probably just get married in a huff and send an e-vite to y'all that there's a get together next weekend so that you will meet my husband. My family will be copied in the same email, that's when they get to meet them too.  I was just joking about it, this friend said, somehow she sees me doing just that, that she wouldn't put it past me.  It is funny that the things we joke about can actually be an indication or a glimpse of who we are.

Okay, I better get out of here.. too much to catching up to do, eh.

Stirrings, longings of the heart...

Maybe, there is fear of intimacy. No, was my adamant answer. It can't be that, because I do go out, I explore the possibilities. But maybe it is my age or my culture, that I await for what God will bring the one to me.

Yes, I don't want something that is forced, something that needs a lot of analysis to continue. The need for the if, what, how, variables need to be answered. It will have to be a beatiful one, no discussions on each others characters. Beautiful that it almost feels like the Holy Spirit is upon us, then I know we have the stamp of approval. It will something not borne out of a whim but something that we both desire, forever.

JD. the now famous fungus hunter, I don't hunt for them anymore, I buy them dry. I have a jar labeled dried fungus. Yes, Virginia, it is food, mushrooms actually, not preserved Athlete's foot.:) 

Sorry, I got distracted there. Anyway, I was told that he said that when he falls in love it will be forever and that he hopes that the person he falls in love with will love him back the same way. True that things changes, but if it is that strong, it will weather everything.

I was happy when I heard that, because it verbalized what I have been carrying with me for a while, is that sheer naivete, too fairy talish.  Not if Lordy is in the picture. It is not something out of a story book, it is what Lordy wants. One can go on and on with relationships, like trying on shoes, see if it fits, if it does it stays for a while, until it gets overused or too ordinary for comfort. Then the itch for a new one has to be satisfied.

So  help me here, is this possible or is this a good theory?

Pinoy food and pinoy men

Last Sunday, we went to this Filipino restaurant called Tribu, food was good. I would make it the same way. Tribu is pinoy word for tribe, btw. My friends who are not stranger to Filipino food, they dated Filipino men, enjoyed it. Sorry no pix to show for it.

Anyway, on our way there, we were talking about how when my friend returned a call from this Pinoy, he didn't seem that enthused and ended the conversation by saying, well call me if you want to hang out sometime.

She reacted, saying that is what's wrong with men. They don't know what they want, if he would have asked me, I would have gone out with him, as a show of respect.  But not like that, she said,  "she had to be woed", she opined, that men can't throw the ball  at her to make the decision, she will have to have a say in all that. She concluded that they will not get what they want, if they don't go for it.  Which is why men end up with who they end up with.

I was quiet in my agreement. Why? Because I have been accused of that very thing that she is making a case of.  I have been told that I am irreverent, that I carry this it doesn't matter attitude.  I didn't explain myself then, but the reason for the feigned indifference is.  I don't really care where we go, company is more important, I can dine the way I want where I want on my own. That's my way of discovering, what they like, how they handle things, and make their choices.

But I guess, once it is placed in the context of what one wants and throwing respect in the mix that would indeed come out as disinterest.

Take that as a tip men of erring ways.

My hairdresser

I had a haircut a week or so ago. I have been going to this hairdresser for a while now.  He moved to a place that is not as cozy as the old one and his pricing is still the same.  I like it that he can take care of my hair.  He understands that I don't like to fuss with my hair especially when I am in a hurry to get out in the morning.  No products just blow drying, maybe a little when it is overgrown.

He takes care of me, we talk about restaurants food, places that he and his partner frequents.  He will boycott a place because of poor service or for being snooty.  We both go to this Chinese restaurant on a regular basis and he would complain how they stopped making his favorite dish, just because of the extra oil that it uses. 

Anyway, the trick with Chinese food, we found out, if your order has shrimps, make sure that the use the shrimps from the shrimp with cashew nuts, it should be guaranteed fresh.  We also discovered that if you think that a chain restaurant will having a heavier traffic will have shorter shelf life for its inventory, wrong, some can store food purchased on bulk sale for years.  Whow, that is too much. 

He has something to say about the French restaurant by his place. They don't itemize an order and when they did, he was charged so much for a salad.  I didn't like that place because they open at their whim, one can't arrange for a meeting at 7:00 as they can opt to open at 7:30 or not at all.

There is this restaurant that he said they probably are buying buckets of escargot from Chinatown and passing it off as French.  I said but you can buy the French variety in a can for a measly sum and just enjoy it at home.  But I would like to buy the fresh ones from Chinatown and cook it the way Mom did with coconut mik, not with black beans and garlic that the Chinese restaurant did.

To this my friend squirmed, she can't imagine that I would enjoy such delicacies.  Well I am provincial, we raise them for food. My rationale is if we will not use them for food then there will be an overgrowth, that will cause an imbalance in the ecosystem.  The reason why they are eating kangaroos now in Oz or sadly, why they are shooting the deers originally from Asia in Marin. It is the circle of life isn't it.

The week that was!

It's been a while, huh! The week was kinda hectic.  I made a presentation to the RCIA class about the saints. It isn't that it is the first time I am doing a presentation, it was because of the subject matter and my audience.  I felt that I need to exercise caution as whatever I say may affect the decision of the enquirers. Glad that it is over, I was mulling over it for two weeks as it got closer, the feeling got more intense. To the point that it felt like I was going to have a thesis dissertation or a panel interview.

My refrigerator died, if it has a mind of its own, I will think that it is silently complaining, kill me now, I need to freshen up.  Well it's getting a total clean up,  now that it is empty.

One reader commented about a post it's funny that her name is the English version of the Spanish derivative of mine. She said don't stop complimenting someone. Wow, it's the first time somebody said something like that to me.

It is refreshing to see parents with God's grace raise their children with freedom to discover themselves, allowing their imagination to flow, with the discipline of love, the strong urge of conforming to societal norms denied. I was raised differently, that of being boxed in a quiet complexity, almost the pretense of the serenity of a Norman Rockwell painting. I think I was spared the goriness so that I will have the calmness of today. But I'd rather have a tumultuous existence, something felt, something experienced than a pale, boring one.

Wednesday Bible Study is doing great, we are on our fourth cycle, that means we are repeating Luke.  Imagine that! There was just the 2 of us wondering if we can have something like that in our Church. We formed one and have been fortunate to "Break Open the Word" with quite a number of people.  Then there is the core group, the regulars, friendships were formed, almost deeper than the ones that we had in grade school. Bonded by Lordy, how else can it not be great! Anyway, part of this core group is a character, he is quiet, unassuming, he would say things like, Catholicism is like a ball with chain or a disease that you can't get rid off that easily.  When cornered though and we don't have anything witty to say to him and we would just ask him pointedly, why or does he believe.  He would say it is between him and God.  We know he believes, he is always on the third row facing the altar, not just that, we know that he lives the way.  The group is not for everyone though, not for the ones who can't stand that we had to eat and update before we begin reading. I'm happy that those who stayed were the ones who did. Amen.

But my friend...

True that in the end one can be saved from the fires of hell if there is repentance and the recognition of God as the Savior.  But what is it for, when the joy of experiencing that forgiveness can't be savoured and basked in this lifetime. It is in His glory that one thrives and find the meaning of life.

Inner peace and self contentment is easily achievable through that acceptance.  Hey, no shrinkage required, no prozak, just God :) The tradition and teaching is not that material, finding Him matters.  I can easily say that my tradition is better, but because I don't know other, and that is not finding fault in others.

I am praying that you find Him, may I suggest that you don't look too far, just feel it.  After all, when everything has been said and done, when you have exhausted all the academic avenues, your decision will not depend on that intelligent choice but your heart guided by the Holy Spirit. We are already chosen, it is just a matter of standing up and recognizing it.

You are loved, no matter what.

Whatevered..

This is a sign on Franklin and 21st, no wonder I always get disoriented on my way to work.

I received an email last week, asking for an opinion, being sick and wanting to wear a dfferent hat, I responded acquiesizing to a request and feigned nonchalance on the other. When I saw him again, I asked if he got my response, to which he said yes, and you whatevered me.

I sometimes feel that I say too much that I have an opinion about a lot of things, so I do force myself to be quiet, too bad. those are the days when I shouldn't be.

Oh well!

The cube farm is quiet...

The cube farm is quiet, even the glass tower.  My little corner at work has very little traffic.  There are at least 4 global employees, some transients, and a few regulars like me who have our own disappearing acts too.  There is one who after 2 weeks of negotiating, his project got cancelled, is on his way to Abu Dhabi for a 3 month TDY and maybe looking at SFO or SEA for a longer term, one is in Atlanta, 2 on separate trips to Australia, and the rest I don't know.  I get emails and phone messages with no indication of their whereabouts I thought that they are still around.  The office set up these days, does not leave room for privacy, I can hear their music, their sighs, smell their lunches, and still not be connected on  a personal level.

I like to maintain that thing that they call professional distance, being proper. I thought I was doing that.  Not seeing this PM in a long time, we have written a lot of work plans and safety plans together for his project, for which we earned an Army coin.  When I saw him last week,  we hugged like old friends, updated, the proud grandpa telling stories of his grandchildren, his project ending at the end of the year. As we walked away, smiling, I realized whoops, that was not a business handshake, when I was not looking somehow the detached business persona has transformed into the friendly neighborly association.  I'm not complaining..

It's my birthday..

In 2 hours and some, it will be the anniversary of my birth, in some places of the world, it has passed, ha ha..

I am getting old, before I would look back and see what I have done with my life, what I have accomplished. Today, I don't even have the urge to look. There is the contentment about me that I don't need to measure what I have done and what I need to do.  I will just move on and continue moving on, happy that I am given the gift of life, of love and the joy of knowing Lordy.

BTW, yesterday at the Bible Study, we had a little party, although every Wednesday is a party, but it was special because they gave me a wonderful card and cupcakes with candles to blow. Except that I was still coughing, so the youngest member of the group had to blow the candles for me.  The card said "To someone who stands out from the rest" ... It was a happy day, I was with people to me on a special day.

Tomorrow, will be the actual celebration and we are going to have a get together at a restaurant.  Woohoo, aging has its plusses.

Yoohoo, Clifford..

In my writing retreat last Saturday, in one of the exercises, we created 2 characters that of Clifford and Millie. There were givens like where they live, favorite food, etc. and we manage to come up with different personalities.  The personality created, I am guessing is a result of the personality of their creator.  If I follow that line of thinking being that the Clifford that I created has the same persona as my friend did will lead me to conclude that there is indeed a commonality that bonds people.  Anyway, that exercise was hilarious, the pictures that we painted of Cliff was amazing and this in 20 minutes.  There were even sound effects, of course the bellowing yoohoo is not mine.

That didn't end there, I was looking for a Cliff on Monday and continued to build on that person that we created.  Going back to the retreat, this is a writing retreat that I attend once a year, facilitated by an Amherst trained, nurse Franciscan nun from the twin City, she is great. Did all that description help you, dear readers get the idea that I had an enjoyable experience?

Oh well...

You are..

You are love,
You are wisdom,
You are humility,
You are endurance,
You are rest,
You are peace,
You are joy and gladness,
You are justice and moderation,
You are all our riches,
And you suffice for us.
-Saint Francis

I lifted this (without permission) from Sarah's page, <withheld, lest I violate the unwritten>.  No explanation necessary.

This blog thing..

This blog thing is great, I am discovering a lot of things, it is a subculture that is so present day.  Unless it is to push a product, what is blogged is not necessarily talked about live. However, reading them allows that sense of familiarity, that I nearly congratulated a friend's mom for her children's wonderful writing. Or to Mark who does b... a lot but recognize grace and humility in others.  When I talk to my friend about men who carry their rosaries  in their pockets, I am reminded of him.

There is this site whose images is just a torture to diabetics :). Somehow there is the connection, when I am sensing unhappiness I want to touch them, a squeeze of the hand, comforting gestures.  After all it is in this medium where we can write our feelings away.

Figure me out..

A new friend observed that my writing comes in spurts, he does not know me well enough yet. If he does, he will know that this is me, I come in spurts too he he..

I shared this site with some friends in Church and they said that reading this will probably help them figure me out.  Silently I was wondering why do you need to figure me out.  All I know about me is I didn't come from a cookie cutter, therefore I can't be boxed, we were urbanites in a suburb and suburbanites in the city. 

But going back, I don't figure out people around me, I wanted to be surprised by their conversation.  Their ideas, their instincts are all different, different from mine, from each to other.  I do have justification for most things, maybe not justification but answers or reasons. It is when I am not looking hard is when I find the wisdom that I am seeking.

Go figure.

He said, she said..

My curiosity got the better of me, when I said, okay let's do lunch.  Not that I don't want to, but because I will hear downloads that I am not sure I want to hear.  I heard from him about her before I even knew her and I can tell you that is the most uncomfortable place to be in.  Meeting the person after all that. 

It seems to me that we can be too opinionated at times that talking about someone, almost maligning their person, is becoming commonplace.

Although another he said, it is not a part of this exchange, and I didn't press nor asked about it, when I heard who the players were.  None of my concern...

Life is good..

If I say it too often, you might believe me, truthfully though, ceteris paribus it is still good.  Unless, we look at it in some odd fashion and think that the world owes us.  Then such a hypothesis would be hard to prove.

The joy of others shouldn't be somebody else's burden.  I am saying this as an encouragement to those who feel lowly, not the physical blah, that I have, but the funk that can really throw one off. 

I was going to quote Rostow's theory of economic growth and realized that it is so old and will probably not find application in today's world.  You will wonder economics, life, yes, Virginia, it is not just one of my quirky ideas, we can look at life this way or in an allegorical manner.

If all these still doesn't get you, how about, life is too short to sulk and blame the world, just embrace it and enjoy.

Yun lang!

Baby steps..

She is serious about her faith, she loves God more than anything. To be a full fledged believer though means living it.  She does not believe in "Cafe Catholicism" where she can pick and choose the applicable doctrines. She feels she has to immerse herself.

I told her it is a gradual process, that we will be there, hold her hand. Watch over her, lest she falls, as she is, with her arms half streched ready to catch us and pull us up.

I can hear the angels singing, Amen, amen..

If you, then..

There are too many ifs in this world that has to be satisfied, the need for coverage makes me wonder if we have a full grasp of this thing called life.  I say this because if we will just be dodging what's being sent our way then life will not be exciting, not fun at all.  It will be stressful, I would think, the element of trust will be lost.

I heard this said once, "if you get it, then I will be committed",  a commitment is more than what you're giving, it is an embodiment of your decision to be a part of a relationship, you discern and accept.  Such words when uttered and recalled to me, made me think what was it all about then, a game, was it a mockery of the exercise. I do hope something is gained from it.

Ouch!

I lost a project

On Tuesday, a conference call that would have been an update of what I have done, ended with "I don't think it will work", "I need someone who is next door to me".  He did indicated what his expectations were, which is a committed half time, half time is left to play with colors, words, and other stuff.

I wondered if was going to work, just to set up, access the databases, and other stuff, took even my personal time.  He thought I was a whiz with numbers, little did he know that I thrive more on colors and words.  Sure I know my ptri even my abc, but it is so easy to get lost in this activity.  I can't be captivated by it, so in between gross margins and labor revenue I find myself thinking of other things.

That is the consulting world dear readers, but wait I am digressing here.  My point is, while I am realizing that it is going to be a difficult endeavor, having to travel to SAC on a regular basis, I was hurt that it was taken away from me.  After a few moments of self recrimination,  I dusted myself off, I know that it is Lordy all along, for how can I think of other things, my RCIA article for example, and such other things that constitute life.

Pride is all there is, guilty as charged.

Feeling a little better...

I have a body clock that wakes me up at midnight to remind me of things undone.. well it works if i am on schedule, days like these, not so sure..

I feel a little better, but yesterday or even the day before was horrible, I had the chills, so  congested that I can only curl on my bed, crank up the heat, and recite my Hail Mary's (for old Catholics that's just what we can do).

I can tell that the season has changed, this is how my system welcomes it, it didn't even allow me to catchup with my reading or writing, I was just down. I think I can do with another day off, people will veer away from me anyway, not wanting to catch what I got, and not in a discreet way mind you.

The other day a friend of mine called, she has been trying to reach me to no avail (she is on east coast time).  After a good amount of download she reached this conclusion that I am lonely.  I was surprised, I responded, no this can't be a lonely time in life, this is one of the best times,  after all, it is my birthday next week.  Until it dawned on me, that she is feeling lonely and taken for granted, and she wanted to feel needed, to hold my hand.  This when I have already hung up, too late, I wish I have been more sensitive, my only excuse is that I am in a hurry to get to work, and I can't find my ATM card.

Lordy, gives us that doze, a lot of times, an opportunity to be selfless, if only we recognize it, then the cycle will be complete.

No T, I don't want it either..

She made a comment on one of my posts, effectively blowing the anonimity of my chatters, just kidding.  No, I don't want the young adults group to be a singles group. I would like for it to be a place for people to interact safely and at the same time foster our faith. 

A group where someone can be comfortable and confident in their own skin, marital status is immaterial.  Where it is coming as a couple or singly poses no meaning.  More like the friendships that have developed from the Bible Study and RCIA. 

A lot of times new comers in the area seek a church and wants to meet new friends. I feel that having a social group will fulfill that need.

Cabbie talk..

Most of the time I am not interacting, busy with my own thoughts, or fishing for my key, key card, even the money to pay for the ride from my big purse, somedays I do, and I get to listen to their stories. 

 Trying to catch an early morning Amtrak train, my cabbie was so inspired, I was his last run for the day. He works 7pm to 7am, he is aiming to earn 2 grand a week, while he can he said.  He is 25 and he wants to discover the world, to travel, maybe discover his calling.  That's a good plan, I remember when I was that age, I was trying to figure out my life on my own, I guess I didn't hear the calls then.

The other night I got this comment, "you still live in that address". It turns out he was out of the cab business for 4 years trying other things, but he likes the freedom of the business so he is back.

This morning I got reference materials on the Bible, he said it is the best, he is a recoverng Catholic and seemed so inspired about the Bible.  No, I didn't initiate the Bible conversation, there must be a writng on my forehead that I am studying the scriptures too.

What strikes me though, is I am often asked which hospital or health facility I am working for, they seemed to have this idea that it is a preferred profession for my people.  Oh well..

You know..

I had a chance to talk to him one-on-one, I got to know him a little better, marriage is in the plan, (not for me haha) he wanted it sooner.  I m glad, happy for them, the conversation segued into other things, having friends, cooking etc.  It provided an opening for me to just say, "You know she is very dear to us, you better take care of her, or we will be on your case" He countered, you don't have to worry on that regard, I know who she came with, I promise I will.  Not that I needed an assurance, I saw the connection even before they did.  I am like that, I can see, what others can't, and no it is not the "I can see dead people variety" :)

Speaking of which, on Sunday, overenthused me, I just kept thrusting this friend of mine to meet other members of the church,  I know, she will be instrumental in the formation of a Young Adult Group in OLL, and a lot of things after that. Just people of the same faith connecting, celebrating Lordy.

Finally, I would like to share the story of this couple, it will be shown in the Mill Valley film festival.

Lead us not into temptation..

The Lord's Prayer  has a huge impact on me, it's so powerful that I get emotional during Mass, when we are reciting it.  Sometimes when I am think-praying it, a montage of people's faces, people I know and care who are in my prayer request list, moving too fast, hoping that all will be mentioned before the prayer finished.

I say this, because I am praying for her, a very spiritual woman, a mother, a daughter, a wife,  a friend, a neighbor, just her.  She is a strong woman, who was not fortunate enough to have a challenging marriage.  She accepted, struggled, and prayed. What is sad is there is another person, who under the guise of friendship, keeps taunting her, tempting her to break her marital vows.

I pray for her, that Lordy will be there in her moment of weakness, that He will lead her not into temptation. I also pray for the other person, may he realize that he is being used by the darkness.

Recrimination - attonement..

Several posts ago, I talked about lost friends, venting about this friend of mine.  He read it and said "how can you spank me like that".  I think we are more this. Hmm, I don't know, when things are highlighted we search our minds for answers.  But most of the time, things are just being swept under the rug.  The conversation ran into ownership (there is only one person who can claim that :), blah blah. One thing is true, some things you can't force, it's better to let go, than hang on to it and totally lose even the good memories.  The more you pull, the more the other party pushes.

 It's awright, that's life. We evolve, we move on..

The joyful drama of life, a diorama..

I was on the bus one morning, normally I will be listening to the news or reading something.  I guess I don't have my ignore-the world props that I paid attention.  The picture is of 2 women, I'm guessing a mother and daughter, they were not talking/nor interacting, I saw the smile of contentment, the joy of being together.  How they were drawing the warmth of love and affection from each other, such a quiet expression of love. 

On one side, looking out the window this is what I saw.  If that wall could only speak, it would say to us "you're lucky consumers you have enough choices to make a decision" and to itself, prostituting oneself to the highest bidder is such a bad idea.  This sort of reminded me of a friend of mine, she does not believe in choosing this way. If she is entertaining someone, trying to discover possibilities, she will not even consider going out with anybody else. She likes to give the person her full attention so that her decision is not clouded she says.  She feels cheap going out with more than one person.  Way to go, girl!

I am not paying attention, noticing things, but I didn't get the signal, when I received separate phone calls, and more than one at that.  I was blabbing, "oh I'm going to have lunch with her" and he said, "that's kinda awkward, she just broke up with me. This time I think it is with finality."  I can only say, maybe it's time to examine yourself as to what went wrong, he said he will.  I know, he is banking on an update from me. 

I get a good amount of download, it does not come from a "how are you?". The how are you, that is hard to answer.  Half the time the person asking is not expecting a laborious account of one's day.  It comes in spurts, sometimes I have to pry, sometimes just dropped on my lap, sometimes a quiet whisper (no, not the pinoy way of whispering a shout).  A trusting account of what happened.  Most of the time, I am not expected to do anything, just to listen. In the end, a resolve to put in my bag of prayer wishes, that sometimes get bundled in "Lordy, please be with them, give them strength, and the realization that it is not all pain. That under the bitterness of it all, is a joyful, sweet reward of Your embrace".

On making love..

Got you there huh! Isn't that an act of making love :).  I visited with a friend today, she has a lovely apartment, very cozy and comfortable. As always conversation would lead to sharing of love-God experiences, how it was before we discovered that we are maturing in our faith. Anyway, we have this observation about how we land in relationships with undesirable or individuals that we are incompatible  with. It seems like we feel important, verified, when attention is given to us.  Having been given that attention, we allow ourselves to be manipulated, thinking that it is in response to such an affectionate displays, the attention.  We tend to overcome the signals, the warning bells that spells trouble.

That's why "let's just make love" forget about the ifs, the buts, etc. I have the coins :).  Seriously though, one thing that I realized is we can't do it alone, God has to be a part of it, so that we are able to discern, knowing what He wants from us, then we make the right decisions, the right choices.

Baking plastic wares..

Yeah, there is an art to it.  Put your rarely used plastic trays in the oven, then fire it up. I thought I had a stove upgrade. I found out though that I don't panic easily.  I tossed water into it and transferred the food to a smaller container and cooked in the toaster oven.  There is a point to this story.  Friday was the last Friday of the month and I had a get together, didn't have much to prepare as I was in SAC the day before.  I forgot to hang up the phone and there was someone who wasn't able connect.  All in all it was a good event, it was a different dynamics.. a great way for people to connect. 

Did you know that emotional maturity comes from all these? Interaction with others, listening to their stories, forgetting for one moment about our own egos and paying attention to them. It's a growing process, hey I am not reducing all these friendships as a tool for self development, emotional maturity results from good relationships.

Is it just religousity?

He is, How does he, Maybe

I was taken aback, almost appalled at the questions that I heard, almost speculative, something that is not borne out of affection, of friendship, it is more gossipy. 

Totally disappointing, for me, it is one thing to be ignorant, that can be corrected, but to be fully aware and be judgmental about it is something else. 

In my mind, I am whow.. stop that, that is not a behavior that I am expecting from someone who professes to love God with so much reverence. You might say, I am judging, I am not. I am theorizing that sometimes in our earnestness to love God, we become self-righteous and forget that He wanted us to be compassionate, not to measure, to see beyond that external appearance.

Your lens is blurry, it needs cleaning. Praying is different from doing.  Oh, please don't think of me as a holier than thou creature. I am not, but I am happy that I am conscious, aware, that I am loved by God and so are you, all of us, so why allow the face of the devil to shroud this beautiful scenario.

I am not saying this right, huh, just religousity does not really make it, live it!

Be kind period.

I need you..

It was heart-wrenching, to listen to outpourings, talking about long-bottled sadness, releasing the pain, pain to hold on to for sanity. Faces almost expressionless, eyes looking in the horizon, words just coming out.  One can not really tell what lurks in one's heart, what is hidden under the smile, the street face.

It is the heart that cries out for God to please hold me and take care of me..

I am back!!

Yes, I am back, have been to our favorite the old place on Grand, more than once, feasted on the scallop fried rice, even got a free moon cake on 2 occasions (in celebration of the harvest festival) - I took Nikki's share. 

Amidst a photoshoot for an online profile (not mine silly, a friend'), the farmers's market, cleaning, unpacking, and just going back to the old routine I was able to break bread, telephone, IM,  saw some in church, and talk about life with people dear to me.

Someone  once mentioned somewhere that there are no best friends, just good friends. I tend to agree with that, my good friends have their best friends, as I did. But we can just talk about anything and be comfortable with it.  We seek each other when we want to vent, share a laugh, needed comfort, what else can I ask for.  Yet, we have different lives, not too intertwined, we are almost the first to know what is going on about each other, and we are worried if one is absent for too long. 

It is exhilirating to be a part of their lives, the confidence that I am part of it, makes me glow.  Now why am I talking about them like this? This is sort of a tribute, an acknowledgment of their importance.

You know who you are, now take a bow. :)

Behave..

Last Wednesday, we struggled with our interpretation of the readings and the Gospel for this Sunday.  There was the master who complimented his manager about being shrewd and Jesus saying something about cultivating relationships with material things, in the end God remembers who did and who didn't.  It was certainly about generosity contradicted by greed but there were underlying messages that we can't seem to fathom.

A more collected member summed it up as we just have to behave and everything will be alright.  Yes, it is so easy to say BEHAVE. One word, it means towing the line, following the rules, not giving in to temptations, there's a whole lot of things in that bag. 

To follow the rules is to behave, the act itself is behavior (there I am again with my syllogisms, y'all know I am not a native speaker).  Sometimes openness does not really mean not being able to contain oneself and just giving in to our thoughts.  Allowing us to make unwieldly (w?) actions.  Therefore, it is bad behavior to think and act outside the confines of what is proper, what is within the purview of  God's desires.  No, this is not the thinking outside the box that I always talk about. It is not the norm, the trend, the latest fad, it is what God wanted us to do even if we are the only ones living that way. Yeah, can we really?

With all these I was reminded of the Capital Sins and the Virtues that those Sins Opposed, a little Cathechism here:

                                        Pride                      Humility
                                        Covetousness        Liberality
                                        Lust                       Chastity
                                        Anger                    Meekness
                                        Gluttony                Temperance
                                        Envy                       Brotherly love
                                         Sloth                      Diligence

With that I say, BEHAVE.  Try we can.

My faith..

It is early morning and I am still up, while there is a blogger that I follow who's up early in the morning, doing what I do now.  There is a reason for this, I am mulling thinking about my faith.  It is my turn to share about my faith in RCIA and I am just now organizing my thoughts.

I am a cradle Catholic. Raised by conservative parents in the beginning of Vatican II. I was very accepting of the tradition of my faith.  Have always questioned why things are done the way they are.  My love for Him and my belief has never wavered but the church structure I took exceptions. But then it was always, do this or you will go to hell.  It was not a promise of eternal joy of knowing Him, but the threat of burning in hell if I don't do good. 

There was reverence but no relationship, a very childish approach.  As I grow and matured in my belief, I now know one thing, the resistance then, was pride. I resisted because I did not want to relinquish my perceived control of my being. In doing so, my faith then was superficial because I did not have trust in my creator, I wanted to still be in control.

My faith journey will not end here, as I am only realizing these things, grateful for the chance of knowing, accepting, and learning. Thank you Lordy.

Wow..ang ganda

Beautiful isn't it, I feel so privileged being able to see such beauty, I can feast my on these wonders and just be at peace. But that is after I have indulged in all those worldly thangs that we purchased and ate, haha..

Seriously though, we don't need to look very far to appreciate the beautiful things that is around us.  But sometimes we have this tendency of looking far and hard and not see what's right in front of us.  We are blinded by this constant searching, not realizing that we already have all the tools that we need, we just need to implement.

At this morning's homily, Father Tom, quoted a verse in the Bible, "You did not choose me, I chose you." Therefore our non acceptance is a clear and blatant rejection of Him. To which, I say, who are we, to do so.

Reco-nize!

Ate Monie: On you it seems like you have more realistic emotions now than you can express before...or....maybe ...
Ate Monie: you are braver to express yourself now than before...

My cousin just visited this blog and that's what she said. Maturity does that, I think, things are better defined, as we mature we are able to grasp the reasons for our actions and make sense of ideas and thoughts.  I give credit to Lordy of course for making me see light.

But on to the more mundane, silly, my co-worker, decided that we have to dine at elways restaurant.  He was a ballplayer, not someone who follows sports, I asked if we are dining there because the place is good or just because it is owned by somebody famous.  Dine we did, it was expensive, being from the Bay Area, and who knows my way around the kitchen, I would say it is okay, but the service is good. The wait staff are attentive, but they don't seem to know what to do.  Discreet service is I guess not a part of the "now" culture anymore.

Then we have to have good Italian, found Maggiano's the spinach salad was good but the pasta dish was soupy.  Oh well, enough of this dining out, I should just stick to my adobo't - I make it differently, kanin (rice) or penoy and balut.

Cheesecake and shoes, cure for all ills

Yeah, cheesecake and shoes, cure for all ills, that is if we've taken care of our spiritual feed.. Anyway we lucked out at dillards in Colorado, something that you won't see in California.  We don't have season changes like they do.  Shoe sales at 75% off would make my blogpal Marie dance with joy haha..

We shopped as a reward for long hours of work, didn't I say that we didn't need a reason to shop for shoes.  I did feel guilty afterwards, as I was reading my book of prayers, it sort of nudged me about overindulgence, that desire to acquire material things to the excess. I have no excuse but just because I am human.

The doctor is in..

The doctor is in... yey.. The fixer of everything. I need psychiatric help.

Anything that ails me, he has a prescription. The question is, do I follow what is prescribed.

This is a funny picture, he was in the Boulder Pride Event, not sure if I will actually consult with one. he he

Most of our ills are not really that physical life threatening ones, I know, sometimes, we need assurance that we are still part of the "ecosystem" that we are still alive. That we matter. Little do we know, that we we do, we matter, we are important, if only we will cease it making it an issue.

Hmmm, just like what I am doing right now, my observations seem to be critical, mostly it is directed to myself really, some are reactions to events that may or may not matter.

Bottom line is in the end it is not how we feel, but how we make others feel. Hrrrmph, we are part of an equation, we are not the equation.. ha ha..

The power to think

It is indeed powerful, how thoughts take us to different heights, we are diverted from mundane, trivialities, and taken to lofty ideals. This same power sometimes make us overly analytical that what would have been a beautiful, emotional, natural interaction is reduced to an indifferent exchange.

This is because of that fear of rejection, the feeling of making one's feelings known, the feeling of showing one's weakness, one's vulnerability. Not realizing that such displays makes us even stronger.

Sensitivities or idiocies

The id, self, ego - is a very complicated one.  I have often talked about it's persistence the  need to be recognized, sometimes to a fault.  We react wrongly because we felt that we have been slighted, that what was said was an effrontery to our being. Yet, that self-persistence causes us to say words that are sometimes offending and hurtful to others too.

I know that this is not what makes us, our being.  There is the attributes- personality- character and then our being.  It begins with the innate, complemented by other influences, such as family, environment, faith.  The ability to distinguish good from evil is said to be innate.

Why do I ask this? As I mature in my faith, I recognize that Lordy plays an important role, if only, we will allow Him. With our faith, we are taught understanding, love for others, giving us the ability to not give in to a knee-jerk reaction to defend that oft-thought-of slighted self.

The funny thing about it, we sometimes (sorry we, means I) react with strong words, when the dust settles, we feel bad at having hurt someone and be miserable about it.

Ayyya yyyy, life is so complicated.

The day that was...

Staying in a hotel compels me to adhere to rules of civility changing before going to breakfast. Routine is absent in these trips, hours are determined by the host office.

It is good, though, I get to observe different ways, and appreciate what is one this neck of the woods. We went to the Denver Botanic Gardens and Boulder on Saturday. This place has be geographically confused more than I already am. We had dinner in Littleton, went across the street for sundries in Lone Tree, and went to work in Englewood. All these in a 5 mile radius. The church is in Centennial. A beautiful church of St. Thomas Moore, a very solemn one. I like the service.

Today is going to be a busy one. Yesterday, was a bit frustrating, things didn't work out as scheduled. I think I am getting homesick, boo hooo...

Yesterday, Thursday

Yesterday, Thursday, yes, pre-Friday, post-humpday as such not so busy not uneventful either.

I received a call from a woman in church, she had a mishap and would need help taking care of things, like grocery shopping. I am away and will not be able to do anything but I just know the person who will be able to. She is from the same neighborhood and she is one who is always willing to help. This is proof that the community is working, God's people are willing help and be helped. The openness is present, just as He wanted. I also heard that a few people who has been absent from the Bible Study came last Wednesday, wow..

Speaking of phone calls, travails of motherhood and singlehood, also had my phone line burning. Colic and aceite de manzanilla, cost of special formula, moving back to San Francisco, there is excitement in her voice despite all the time consuming details that comes with motherhood. On another hand, there is lawyer's fees for a family property, a practice, finding HER man, the father of her child, and other family issues. Details that makes her wonder, when it is going to stop, when is she going to finally have something that she can call her own. I can only say one thing, "Have you tried praying?"

Back in my world, on a lesser scale, we finished early, had time to meander a little bit, rest, and dwell. There was hospitality night at the hotel, I just partook of dip and chips to fill the gap. Then we went to dinner at Basil Thai, the decor was well thought-off, the price was okay, the food was good, well prepared. What was important was we had occassion to break bread with someone from another office (SCO) got to know her, which wouldn't have happened if not for this TDY.

Oh, but I didn't tell you about Sunday, for some reason I wanted to have an emotional cleansing, women do this, we just had to cry. I culled on the sad stories, there was no good-makes-you-cry Lifetime movie. Nothing, I wasn't able to reach the desired renewal. Maybe it was a silly process, that there is really nothing to empty at that point, it is not that I am ecstatic, in 7th heaven, about my life. There is the stable, contented existence with Lordy in it, that I momentarily overlooked. I do the heart emptying everytime I talk to him, therefore, nothing accumulates that would require such a melodramatic preparation to heal.

Must have..

"He is nice, but he .."

"She is, but.."

"I wish I have"

This is a common response in most conversations, there doesn't seem to have contentment, a satisfaction of what is given. A proof to the dictum that I first learned in Economics, "Man by nature is insatiable".

As I ponder on this, it seems that relationships would have worked if there is no box that has to be satisfied, a box of criteria of the ideal.  If only he talks this way, if only she wears clothes this way.  In our effort to find what is perfect in our eyes, we try to shape them into what they are not, to satisfy the mold that we believe is right.  In the end we are stuck with somebody we don't know, who don't know themselves, by us whom we can't say who because we kept changing to satisfy that norm.

It is complicated isn't it? And the victims of all this is us and our relationships. Looking deeper into this scenario, makes me realize that it is just not that conformity that is at fault.  It seems that with that desire to mold someone, we lose our respect for that person, our trust in them that they can do it on their own, and the ability to allow them to be individuals.  Individuals of their own and still be able to connect to them at all levels.  Is relationship really like that?  Should it be constrictive, restrictive, oppressive?

Hah!

Expiration date..

I found that I am holding on to old things, things that has no value, things that has expired. RT Amtrak tix from DC to Virginia beach, residual tix value from SW, commuter checks, SF cable car, coupons, and miscellaneous other things. Change in plans-driving instead of the train ride, different airports, or just plain forgetfulness. I have good intentions, use it when I come back, but never had the chance.

Expiring in the old days, means something else, not just a date on a piece of paper but the ultimate expiration. "She expired of consumption." Death of tuberculosis.  No beautiful words to sugarcoat such a loss.  Can I say then that I WLL EXPIRE when I am good and ready?

Planning things out does not seem to work. I wonder if that is the same with life, no matter how much we plan, it will not pan out, the way we wanted to. He has big plans, all the time, things that we don't even consider.

Habit..

I woke up from a strange bed at 7:30, a hotel room in Englewood, where I will be for the next two weeks, strange noise kept me up, the ice maker, the airconditioning, even my own breathing. Habit no matter where I am, I would wake up at that time. 

I thought I am an out of the box person, a person who can adapt easily, pliant, guess old is creeping up, that I like the familiar things, my place, my neighborhood, even the smell  of the place.

Thinking about it, I realize that I still go back to things that I am used to, the comfort of it, in a get together last Friday, I was thinking of preparing something different with the beef, maybe something Med, but I still ended preparing it the way Mom usually do, Bistek.

That was some segue there huh! different keyboard, different thought haha..  We got lost yesterday, almost made it to Vail, more out there in the mountains. Well, if I know Lordy, He just willed it that way, gave us a chance to appreciate the Colorado mountains, different traffic signs, different lightings, before we immerse ourselves in work.

And appreciate we did..

On finding the right one..

A friend visited and we got to talking about what else but the right one.. The Librans that we are, we are romantic and have all these thoughts of what it's going to be like. I may have talked about it before, the deal breaker will be that he has to be a believer. A very strong faith, God above all others is how she termed it.  I agree completely, all others will follow.  You may ask why, if he is a believer then he will have all the attributes of a good human being.

Once that is satisfied then we can unabashedly let go and allow ourselves to experience that wonderful emotion called love. So readers, tell me how it is for you.  I love to ask pry about people's love stories, and oooh and aahhh about it.  There is nothing sweeter than falling in love, they say, it's a very joyful, wonderful, an almost indescribable feeling. 

We talked about how it will be, knowing when it is the one, when one's being is all agog, crazy-like, a beautiful one. I hope it does not just become an idea, that we get all hang up about and not know when it is the one.  Or that we are always waiting for the next best thing and not realize that it has pass us by.

Find that shoes..

This is a cute pair huh! I was following a thread on Filipino cooking and ended on Marie's  blog, my admiration didn't stop there, he he I sent her an email asking where she got it and what it is.  She said she got it in HK and it is MXM, not sure if it is MaxMara, but I did googled the brand and didn't find it. Leads anyone?

Women and shoes is something that can't be separated, we just have to have the right shoes for each outfit.  A reason to buy one, be it ennui, angst, or just gotta have that. Ooops, my consumerism is showing or is it my browness? Imelda Marcos of the thousand shoes fame is after all a Filipino :0 A friend even justified it as shoes gives a woman a pep in her every step.

Think about it as our contribution to the economy, there is a lot of effort involved in the production of those shoes, after all. Didn't I say there is no effort to be profound here?

If...

If I am from a different generation or a different world where I don't have to work everyday, I will luxuriate, enjoy my days.  Savor going to the market preparing food the old fashioned way.  Where I can read, meet friends for coffee, sew, crochet, even garden. Good grief, I am describing my grandmother's life.

I am probably saying that because that is something that I don't have. But really, wouldn't it be nice to live like it was in the old days? Maybe life will not be harried, but enjoyed, people are more connected, there is support, instead of competition, appreciation, respect. Ah, that will be lovely!

A gathering of friends...

It is always a pleasure to be in the company of friends, enjoying good food, wine, unabashedly making our positions known, each respectful of one's circumstance, their being, yet alacritous in our gentle responses (:)

We are drawn together by faith, Catholics, yet different approaches, one in our beliefs, in our love for God.  Nothing is more personal than the sharing of faith, praying for each other's strength, building a community of faithfuls.

It is always a discovery.  Gleeful it may be, but we have to go back to our own niches, we need reminded of the things that we learned.  Trying to apply the Word in our own lives.  We always hear the saying, leave your life like it is the last.  Does that not mean that we should drink to oblivion, eat or have sex, shop until we drop? Should we attone, be prepared make sure that there are no stones unturned?

Lordy said, "we don't know when the time will come, so we should always be prepared".  Makes sense doesn't it?

In our preparation, though (I should have a disclaimer here, that all references to you, our or anything in the second person is really my observation) humans that we are, allow ourselves to dwell on the trivialities of this existence. We try to find excuses for things that we do but shouldn't and not continue to find those that we failed to do.

You have to take a stand..

Yes, YOU, you have to take a stand, define yourself.  You can't go on rejecting people, so that they will not have the chance of rejecting you. Grow up!!

Listening to you, observing you, gives me a sense of pity that I know you don't want or need. Shrinkage is not helping, they are just giving you want to hear.  They don't even try to question you, to challenge you! That is cruel, enabling your blindness.

It is so tiresome, you cry for acceptance, you cry that you be recognized for you, your being, your character, your soul, that you not be ignored because you don't have the face of a movie star, that you're not as important, as powerful, or as rich.  Yet I see you rejecting, not wanting to reach out to people of marginal means, to the commoner, the person who does not seem influential, who is not not as bright and light skinned as them.

Yet you cringe, you yelp in disgust at such display of favoritism or sometimes an innocent remark.  Take a stand, know yourself, don't hide in someone's history that you are not even a part of or know the full story of.

Maybe then you will be appreciated, the way you wanted to be. STOP.. hiding in other people's misery, vicariously experiencing life through others, looking at life through their lens, better yet, clean your lens and look at your life. You will be surprised at the beauty of it.

Quit the drama, get real!

Ideal day in an idyllic place...

What is an idyllic place? Going down 30th street on telegraph there is an old church structure that has been converted into medical office building.  It is a rustic building that I always imagine in a different location. Somewhere, where it is sitting on a field, pastoral setting, where I see flowers, green grass, blue sky, everything spells contentment.  That building is a home with a big kitchen, aroma of freshly baked pie wafting through the whole area, very inviting.

Does that sound idyllic?

Things I heard last night..

1. flosses everyday


2. Kite runner


3. Luke Skywalker


4. met  a movie star


5. collector


6. meta physics


7. turtle


8. awesome beaches


9. cooking


10. family


11. St. Brigitte


12. been to other continents


13. not born in California


14. children


15. love..

These and a lot more, it is amazing how in a short period of time we discover others, willing or unwilling, passive or active, reserve or open, different personalities, different styles. The willingness to know, comes the willingness to be known.  It was a great exercise, it is great to discover new friends. 

One thing that I heard but was not said was an invitation to a journey together, let's discover where it will lead us.  Let us be stronger as a group in our quest for God's love.

A post ago, I talked about individualities, the desire to be different. Now am wondering is it really a desire to be different, or one to be recognized. Hah!

The Church Library on Boden Way..

The church library on Boden way has been a witness to many a conversion in RCIA, tears shed-baring of souls in Bible Studies, intense communication with God in centering prayers, and life changing witness in 10 steps meeting.

Yesterday was the opening RCIA night, I look around, the welcoming faces of sponsors and team members, the hopeful happy ones of the inquirers. So promising, I wish them a great journey, and grateful that I will be there to witness.

Tonight, we will learn the Word in that room, discovering the Gospel for Sunday, trying to answer burning questions, pray that the grief that's causing our hearts to bleed will be taken away or that our hearts will stop bleeding, and break bread as we chatter endlessly updating each other fo what's new with our lives.

Tomorrow and the day after will be different stories, stories of life, new beginnings, stories that are heard and left there. After all just like the walls of that room, we are only a witness, a companion to someone's journey as they are in ours.

Fall fashion..

Fall fashions are out, this year women's hair will be bun from a braided ponytail, plain during the day and embellished with brooch for formal outings.  Nails are a dark burgundyish color with a trace of brown. Ahhhh.. these things does not really affect me since I have very short hair and the style is determined by my hairdresser. Am not really a follower of trends, at least I know I don't, the marketing experts will say otherwise since they have invaded my subconsious too with their media blitzes.

I am defiant, always insisting on my individuality, looking back, I do regret having subjected others to my fashion faux pas, lounging pants to work even a sundress. My dad once said to me that I was disrespectful to the house of God and an embarassment to him, going to church in faded jeans.

Defiance to my limited vocabulary was non-conformance to my professor in Macroeconomics and rebellion to my parents.  It's funny how the "self" persists no matter how much or what is fed to it, the "self" will fight for its own. The individual will always make itself known, with its quirks, even a twitch. 

Another Lordy miracle I would say, with His creation of us humans, he was able to make us alike but different from each other.  A reminder of one Bible passage that I read, about people coming from different parts, speaking different languages, but able to understand each other.

The beginning, a meeting..

I went inside the Davan Thai on Webster, swung my head to find her, we have not met before, only spoken on the phone couple of times, didn't have to look for her long, we instantly recognized each other.  I sat down and blabbed as if we have known each other for a long time.  Too bad I onlyhad  an hour break.

She had her first taste of the Catholic Church, when she raised her hands in a children's camp to volunteer to get on the van and attend mass. She had her communion, without knowing what the significance of it all. She attended Catholic school, her father is Catholic, she is married to a Catholic, she apparently has quite a number of Catholic friends.  It feels that she is being ushered slowly in the Church.  No, it was not an epiphany, it is almost a given that she will be a convert.

She had questions, which I hope I was able to answer. Questions, like:

1. Why don't I need to be baptized, if I have already been, even if it is with a different tradition?


2. Would you be offended if I told you that I partook of communion without preparation?

I said, no you don't need to be baptized if your baptism in a different Christian tradition is by immersion in water, because the Catholic Church believes in one God. one baptism, one church, and we all are being baptized to accept the same God.

It does not offend me if someone partook of communion without preparation for it, as I look at it as it having a different meaning for me as it is for someone who has no preparation.  I also believe that the pureness of one's intentions qualifies anyone into participation of our tradition.  Lordy would have understood.

What is admirable is her desire to start a family in the Catholic tradition, to be able to set an example to her children and be able to raise them Catholics. No prodding, no long winded preaching, she is just following the desires of her heart, to glorify Him and make Him a big factor of her life.

To that I say, "Amen".

The inevitable..

Must you glare at me because of my inattention. I know that I have been ignoring your presence.  But there has been other things that I have to attend to, things that are more pressing than you.

I know it is unsightly and I will even on this day of the Sabbath, pay more attention to you, consider your needs, make sure that you are my priority.

Laundry time it will be!

The narrow door..

His instructions were to strive to go in the narrow door, not try, or go in but to strive. That means a continous effort, an unwavering attempt to enter the narrow door. What does it entail, one might ask, how difficult is it.. To do good, follow His will, that's what it takes, to enter the Kingdom of God. 

The priest said that the narrow door is an illusion, it may look bleak on the outside because of the self struggle that one undergoes to go in, but once inside there is light, fulfillment and the bounty of his glory.  The wide door, on the other hand, seems easy to go in, wide open for everyone to go in, but once inside it is dark, restless, and uncomfortable.

Ultimately, the choice is ours, the narrow or the wide door, light or dark. Hopefully, the choices we make will bring us through.

Good news..

Significant events happening --

1. The papers are signed, waiting for the key, the last dishes were packed, she is on her way.  To the patio we will soon be, sipping our margaritas, admiring the new paintwork.


2. The papers are on the way for this couple, deserving a new home to start a family, we will be visiting soon, for a meeting maybe or a get together to congratulate them. They are in the same neighborhood, it will be great if they will be neighbors.


3. The house is not officially opened, in this abuela y abuelo's casa, but they have moved in this high tech house.


4. New apartment, she's moving in on Sunday, pretty pleased with her find. She is spreading her wings.


5. Engagement has been announced, they are getting married a day after my birthday, that is one event that I will always remember.


6. Studio opening, she had a showing today, still pastel images, digital photography, she has good work.  Will post her site later.


7. Rekindled love, they are rediscovering their love, with God's grace, they will re-marry.


8. An amicable custody mediation is almost in the works, we continously pray for its fruition.

These and a lot of other miracles too many to mention, prayer is indeed a powerful deed.  No further testimony is necessary.

An ode to that black hole called misery...

I am tired of hearing about you, you're heavy and mean, you're a load to carry..
you manage to take the joy away from people dear to me, you rob them of the glee of friendly encounters, steal the pleasure of basking in the glory of God,
you make them wallow in self pity, regard people who love them with distrust..

Confidence are gone, replaced by doubt. Doubt in everything, in finding happiness. Finding blame in all and are pulled down in this black hole.

Why do you have to win? Why do you have to take the upperhand in their vulnerability? If you would please flee forever and grant them the freedom from your grasp.

Let them enjoy life, have a rein in their thoughts and their lives, they deserve it. So go away and set them free.

Friday frenzy...

Tidbits: Someone described me as short woman with glasses and it stopped there.  I had to smile, that's not going to take you anywhere, that's too generic of a description.

How many women are there in a group that is short and has glasses.  What if, I was wearing contacts at the time, when the person you were describing me to saw me.  Especially sent in an email, where it does not carry the inflection of  words, that is lacking in content. I say, that the description is too politically correct.  Too flat, monotonously described.

 I won't take offense, if you say short -highlighted (men probably don't notice that) hair, brown skinned, you can even go as far as colorful:).  

Came in late last night, not from partying but from work, can't find my keys, realized I left it in the loaner-laptop-backpack.  Phooey, I hope I didn't leave any traces of me with it.  Wordpress was off line..

This morning, as I was slowly thinking of what my day is going to be, the following words came to mind, knee-jerk, confront, grace, gratitude, love, retrospect, and the rest are fuzzy ones, like laundry, cleaning, prepare for DEN, cook, farmers market, 8:50, all these you will probably read on later.  A good escape from the fuzzy ones, ha ha.

I am a foodie, as such I savor flavors, aroma, and colors  and sometimes would like to talk about it at lenght. But then, if I maintain a food journal/usually what one ate during the day, then you will a picture of what went in my intestines, and that would be too personal, eh.  Not that you care about what I injest, I know.

Hmmmm, have not received any comments of how my commas are faring.  Must be good, but people, cold indifference is not going to take me anywhere.  Engage yourself :)

Whoops, have to get ready..

Anent to the tomorrow of yesterday, which is today

Nonsense: I use to get a kick with my niece helping her figure out familial relationships, when I'd say, how can he be your dad, when he is my brother, and he is also my mother's son. Just like the title, there's a lot of ways things can be said.

Anyway, it just dawned on me, why I was blabbering about conversation and all that yesterday.  It was a rueful sense of trying to correct things, feeling that I have manipulated the conversation during our meeting instead of trying to facilitate. Hope I didn't shutdown anyone. Y'all know what am talking about.

Today was pretty overwhelming 7:00 cab ride to Amtrak, Sac at 10:45, cab to the office, meeting, bumped into Bill of TAC support, ( I am their favorite client-so many tickets) would have visited with them but just have too many things to cover.  Missed the 5:45, met with  a friend instead.  Didn't realize that I have not seen him in over a year. Ours is an undefined connection, we do say ouch when neglected. Back on the 7:45 and home at 10:00.

Twice today, I was asked how my life has progressed since they last saw me, I was so busy but things seemed so uneventful with my narratives. It did appear it was a boring existence, but I was smiling, so it must be a nevertheless fulfilling one.  Maybe Lordy's 24-hour surveillance is totally focused on me, he he, such that He has a cushion ready for my fall..

Much as I want to maintain the anonimity of this site, congratulations Theresa on the new apartment. Let me know if you need help, we will be there for you. Yes, indeed, thank you Lordy.

On a more serious note, the other day, on my way to an appointment, I was browsing through my Handbook of Prayers. There glaring at me is a guide to the examination of conscience before confession.  One would think that an aberration to the Ten Commandments would be murder, adultery, and such major offences that are also in violation of the law of the land and would therefore constitute mortal sin.  A cleansing of the conscience also covers thoughts, things that are not even exhibited externally. There are other things too, like how one carry oneself, dressing appropriately, there is a whole rigamarole (w?) on propriety, distraction at mass, being prayerful.  I have this idea though, that I should not stay away from what may be construed as corruptive, for only then will I know that I have the strength to stay away from temptation and "toe the line".

Life is better experienced with Lordy! Philosophies and theologies welcomed but not required.

Tomorrow..

Am I even spelling my title right? This word is the most challenging when I was a child, somehow I never know whether it is double r or double m. But then I am not anal about these things, I can let all these pass and not be bothered by it.  Although, some reader will be and will even call my attention about it.  (No reason for the itals, just that this opening lines is not part of my blabs).

As an aside, is re-occuring a word, isn't that a bit redundant,  how about recurring?

I was going to talk about how the stream of consciousness is different from our mind chatters or that hateful silence in a conversation awaiting for a reaction from the other preson.  The other person is already responding but is not vocalizing it.  I'd say a safe way of silencing the other is for one to be silent themseves.  Silence also creates a noncommital response therefore not offending the other but getting no resolution either.  As a child, we always assumed that silence means "yes", yippee, we just have to dart out of the room quickly, lest that silence becomes an emphatic no.

A non-wordy or one with a poor batting average is difficult conversation. Unless it is with someone where we can appreciate each other's presence, silence can be unbearable. That's when we blurt things out or just say words that don't even hold any meaning.  An old cliche "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" somehow doesn't seem to figure out in today's conversation. 

I use to have a conversation soiree that just turned into a regular get together, it seemed to appeal to only certain age groups.  It just dawned on me that the reason why blogging is so popular is because it is a one-way conversation, hah, I say my premise (there can even be none) and log off. Good bye, "you are the weakest link".

***

But the title is tomorrow, which promises to be a busy day, not that it is different from today, where menial tasks need to be attended to that takes up time and attention.  The highlight, however, is our discussion today about punishment and the reward for it, the greater enjoyment of life, the eternal love and salvation. Remember, we are on 24-hour surveillance, we can't hide.

My friend and I always say we don't want to be too Catholicky that we're cool dudettes but slowly as we mature in our beliefs, we don't mind being uncool, we would attest to our faith.  We cradlers, were just mouthing the words to Hail Mary and talk to God in our haphazard way because we know we are loved. We were more scared of the repercussion of our actions the "punishment of going to hell" than the meaning of it all. Now, as we grow, we learn to savor this relationship with God, find contentment in our hearts, learned to live his way (no, not to perfection) understanding his word, recognizing the will of the Holy Sprit, we are ready to jump up and down and sing his praises.

Will be on a train tomorrow to Sacramento, this should be a promising day. So I better get off and get ready.

Libra..

Libra -- the Harmonizer

Nice to everyone they meet. Can't make up their mind. Have own unique appeal. Creative, energetic, and very social. Hates to be alone. Peaceful, generous. Very loving and beautiful. Flirtatious.  Give in too easily. Procrastinators. Very gullible.

Got this from a friend, does that mean that we have the makings of a pushover.  Ha ha.  I sit here, unwinding, keyboarding. I ask myself, why. Certainly, not to keep a record of my life events, heck I don't even balance my checkbook, to give in to streams of consciousness, maybe.  There are times when ideas (not necessarily grand) come to me when I am walking around the lake, waiting for my turn in the supermarket, aboard a bus-when there's too much going on that to even try to read can be frustrating.  This is good practice, though, makes me aware of my commas and when to end the sentence. The familiarity here with web parts (widgets) made me breeze through share point at work not to long on a learning curve. Therefore, dear reader, I don't mind a gentle reminder about my grammatical faults.

I love beautiful words, even obsolete ones, I like to listen to them too, there are just people who have the gift of prose. I, on the other hand, have no just gift, but I like to engage people, pick on the their thoughts, get their opinions, see how their mind works.

What is pitiful is someone who is unable to express themselves for fear of being judged, not being the kewl one, and would therefore just agree on the premise of someone popular.  (Hello self, talking about you?) There are others too who likes to listen to themselves, I tend to shy away from them. 

Yes, so I decided that this blog will be my forum for all things worth pondering on, subject matters that may even be pedantic to you but if it crossed my mind and it stayed there for a bit, you will read about it.  Good, that I have forwarded this link to only two of my friends, they are kind with their words, ha ha. They are the ones who bear my sometimes nonsensical forays into disconnected ideas trying to find a conclusion in them.

So, the foodie that I am, you may see my attempts to discover new cuisines in my kitchen, a passing review of a new restaurant in the neighborhood, an interesting encounter, or just anything  about anything.  No attempt at being profound, ha ha.

Speaking of resto, there is a new Neecha Thai Cuisine on Grand, purty good, a little bit on the expensive side for lunch, but it's good, quiet, the wait staff knows when to bring the dessert or when to check if everything is alright. Not neglectful nor overly solicitous. They have respect for food too, the food is plated nicely. Not overcooked or harriedly prepared that it is not worth savoring the flavors quzzing myself as to what the blend is. The FBI (fried banana with ice cream, silly!), though, was in a small tapas plate, pretty difficult to navigate. The salad has interesting dressing, puree of sticky rice with a hint of lemon and wasabi. I would put more than a hint though, even a dash of their fish sauce. Oh well, that place is going be a favorite.